“I’m back. Man, things were going so good for the
last week and a half.
I
can’t take anymore. I am tired of being run over
and made to look like
the
fool. How come he can’t see how bad he is hurting
me and humiliating me.
I
am to the point where I want to say I hate him.
I know I can’t though.
I
am at the breaking point now. I am a basketcase
turned upside down in
every direction. I give up. I am so tired of crying.
I want it to be over
now. One lie leads to another lie and there is no
trust anymore for any
situation. I am sorry but all my emotions are out
right now along with a
migraine that I have had all day. What does he do but decides he needs to
leave for a little while with all his excuses of
what he has to do. LIAR LIAR LIAR!!! He’s a drug head turning into a THUG all over again. All I
want to do is just screammmmmmm! I want out of
this situation and fast.
What would be my first step. I am on the verge of
a fast approaching
nervous breakdown.”

..From the mail bag

The “Forgotten Five-Steps” Workbook

An empowering approach to an old problem!

THE SARCASM

So how do you like being an enabler and codependent? It is unfortunate, but your desire to continue helping someone struggling with alcohol or drugs has put you in a new category of human existence.

Who would of ever known that somewhere deep down inside you there lingered a desire to be completely miserable? You must love misery because look at all the things you put up with being a friend or spouse to an alcohol or drug user! Why?

Because you are an enabler and enabling allows you to stay in a relationship because your fear of being alone is greater than the experience of your spouse’s addictive behavior. You depend on your spouse so much that you enable him/her to continue the addiction thereby making you a codependent. Once codependent, your life is no longer yours but becomes enmeshed with the addicts. You are just as sick as they are and will probably have to attend some sort of self-help meeting, or subject yourself to years of counseling in order to regain any resemblance of a normal life. Don’t believe me? Ask a professional or self-help group member.

THE TRUTH

But I will not tell you any of this! It is just not true. In fact it is the most destructive and misguided information out there. When did it become a sickness, disorder, or disease to love!

You have tried everything!

Learn from the success of others, now!

Just because you can’t just turn your back on someone with an addiction, does not make you sick! It makes you caring! We live in the “me” generation. Individuality is emphasized and anything or anyone who hinders your personal pursuits is considered to be obsolete and to be thrown to the curb. If someone with a genuine desire to help cannot just kick their addicted spouse to the curb, they are considered to be weak with a lack of healthy self-confidence. They are what most professionals call enablers and codependents.

Don’t believe it! Of all the people I have encountered who once struggled with an addiction, but don’t anymore, none of them said it was their spouse’s fault. “If only he/she did not enable me so much” or “if only he/she wasn’t a codependent, I could of stopped drinking sooner”, are two statements I have never heard. In fact it is the complete opposite. Those who have “recovered” value and honor the strength and understanding they received from their spouses and friends.

Now does this mean you become a doormat? Absolutely not. Below you may find some helpful information on what to do. But in no way think that the answer can be found anywhere but truly in your heart. What works for one, may not work for another. What one person wants and can put up with, another may not be able to. Determine how much you are willing to take and set the boundaries. Talk to your friend or spouse and make these boundaries clear.

Sticking to your guns can be very difficult at times, but you must separate “not hurting the person’s feelings” from being able to truly help the person.

Never base your decision or boundaries on what others will think! We have been brainwashed to believe that caring is wrong. It is not. What you need to do is determine for yourself what you want your life to be about.

You are not sick, and caring is not a disease. Everyone struggles with difficult times in their lives and often these difficult times are caused by the behavior of someone close to you. No matter what you may have been told, the addict does not continue using alcohol or drugs because of something you said or did. You are not codependent and you cannot enable him/her to continue drinking or using drugs.

Sure, without money or a home to live in the addict may have to re-evaluate his/her life. But most addicts I have talked to continue using anyways even with extreme threats and consequences.

Consequences and threats may facilitate a change, but true change occurs when the addict decides it is of value to do so. It is entirely the addict’s choice and choosing. Never blame yourself!

Realize there are two aspects of change and both these aspects depend on the person using alcohol or drugs, not you!

First, the alcohol or drug user must decide that they want to change. This sounds kind of obvious, but I have found that the question “do you want to stop drinking or using drugs?” is rarely asked in a real sense. It is presumed that the addict wants to better themselves or that they are “in denial” and labeled resistant.

I’ve heard educated people talk forever on the concept of denial. It is important to mention here because it is ridiculous.

Those who abuse alcohol or drugs know exactly what they are doing, and I must say are damn good at it. They can deceive and manipulate about anyone to get their next fix.

The point here is that there is no denial, only what the addict is choosing to value. It’s difficult, but we have to put it in perspective to see the individual where they are at and where they want to be. Again, it is not you; it is what the addict is choosing to place importance on.

So the alcohol or drug user has to want to change. If they tell you they don’t have a problem, when it is completely obvious to anyone that they do, they are simply stating, “I’m not stopping”.

Second, is the alcohol or drug user has to think they can change. This can be more hairy because it takes into account the addicts perception of his/her personal life circumstances. In other words, the alcohol or drug user has to believe their life will be improved by stopping their addictive behavior.

I have to add that the model which is currently functioning in the treatment industry (disease model AA) doesn’t do a whole lot for encouraging hope. There are too many variables that can get in the way (spirituality, character defects, surrendering of will) that have more to do with ones practice of life than not drinking or drugging. How can I really change anyways if I have to be dependant on meetings, and not to mention the disease that can re-occur at any moment no matter how many spiritual awakenings I have experienced.

The following information is from a pamphlet, which is given to all patients at a leading addiction treatment center. You will probably agree that it is quite depressing and feeds into the self-fulfilling prophecy of helplessness! ….”Since the drinking of alcoholics is not a matter of choice but the symptoms of a disease, there is no use in appealing to goodwill or exhorting them to use willpower. That is like telling a tubercular patient not to cough…Alcoholics do not choose to get drunk; they get drunk in spite of intending not to. They are not morally depraved; they are sick” James Royce, SJ, Clinical Handbook of Pastoral Counseling.

The pamphlet goes on to include… “Under the influence of the drug, the addicted person’s denial is so powerful that he or she may just resist even more…You are dealing with an insidious, progressive disease that has to be approached systematically…. You need to see the drug-affected actions as part of the sickness and your loved one as a sick person.”

Now those of you familiar with treatment programs are probably not new to this line of thinking. Where is the hope? Where is a solution? Why not continue to use drugs or alcohol if this is all there is to look forward to?

A more disturbing part explains that in helping someone with his or her drug or alcohol problem a loved one must be careful for… “If you were to lose your ability to love, you would feed the addict more reasons to use drugs or alcohol…Addiction is a family problem.” Does a tubercular patient infect his family with a disease? Does his disease depend on the love from family and friends?

The importance here is that if the person using alcohol or drugs sees no hope in abstinence improving life circumstances, no change will occur.

It is not the family’s fault or lack of love, but rather the addict’s belief that they simply cannot live or cope with life without alcohol or drugs. If the addict holds this belief, they will not see any life benefits in stopping their addiction.

Two aspects of change:

1)They must decide they want to change.

–Focus on the positives of the person struggling with alcohol or drugs. Why? Because they already know their life is a mess. What they don’t know is if they have the ability to climb out of this mess.

-Low self-esteem is an issue here. Self-esteem may be confused with sobriety. One does not regain an instant positive self-image simply by becoming sober.

Self-esteem is often associated with particular actions. A belief occurs that if I do such and such then I am a good person and I will remain sober. Instead of emphasizing that personal worth is present when one believes it is.

2) They must believe they can change and that changing will improve life circumstances.

– Proper support and peer groups must be present here. Remember we all rise or fall to the expectation of our peers.

Family and friends of those who use alcohol or drugs may have a hard time determining exactly what can be done. Talking with others who have been through the process can help, but I would encourage seeking out those with diverse views and experience. There is no “one way” to deal with someone who suffers with alcohol and drug use. Determine what you want your life to be about, set goals and boundaries, and realize that you do not control the behavior and choices of the addicted person. Follow your instincts and heart. And remember, you are not sick because you care!

The above article was an excerpt from the Ebook The Forgotten Five-Steps

www.recoverforever.com

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