I have enjoyed reading your website on the myths of this dysfunctional way to deal with mental and emotional pain(at least in my case)-Someone hit the nail on the head, when they wrote that to intimidate a person into thinking that he or she has no power over addictions, just release the problem to a spiritual power, whatever they choose, is just a way to release an already beaten up soul into submission. As a regular AA attendee, I have seen this apparently work for many people, mostly men. But for others, like me, who have a fairly intelligent brain in their head, sane loving family support ( no matter what I have done), a past successful career and family life, this proclamation that I will never be in control of my again; was too overwhelming and painful.

I have spent 10 long years of hell with depression from childhood emotional traumas, a “wrong” marriage that I held together only to have my 39 year old husband die suddenly in his sleep for no apparent reason, and the ensuing downward spiral that I aggravated with alcohol abuse.

In 1995 I got my first DUI and was thrust into the legal world of jail, AA, no license, danger to my nursing license, etc. I knew nothing of any of this and was told AA and submission to total abstinance, and the fact that I am a weak person who cannot control her life without 12 steps, was my future. Recovery was forever and my life as I knew it, was now in the hands of some spiritual thing. As a Christian, this was very hard for me, and all the other ramifications were so foreign to me ( I never even had a speeding ticket!). It has taken me depleting my savings, shame, guilt, 2 more DUI’s, 2 inpatient treatments, 1 outpatient and continuing Psychotherapy, to finally believe that I have a healthy mind that can stop this madness, with much work, prayer to my God, and most of all educating myself with information that you and others are finally providing as an alternative treatment.

Truly the one thing that finally got me was no more insurance reimbursement for treatment. I knew in my heart I didn’t need anymore (how long does it take to learn the same 12 step programs anyway?!) I knew I could not accept the AA philosophy totally, though I do enjoy about 4 meetings/wk at very small hometown groups with long sobriety. I enjoy the faith, hope and strength that they offer as an encouragement that I am not alone. I have accepted that their 12 steps are just the fundamentals of the moral, Christian life that I have always led. I don’t have to remind myself of them most days, they come naturally. I realize many there, didn’t have much moral upbringing, and led horrible street lives, etc. I can appreciate the strength the simple principles of AA can offer them. If taking away the personal responsibility for their many times, horrid past, is a way for them to recover and stay clean, then I guess so be it.

I feel truly blessed that I have been able to put this problem into perspective. What it was for me was a binge drinking pattern of numbing horrible pain, that I just couldn’t handle. For the past year I have worked hard to release the memories of at least 10 years of sexual abuse, emotional neglect by parents who did nothing about this, even though they knew, and an ensuing sad marriage of almost 20 years. But I see light now, I am 90+ days sober and there is such freedom. I have great sadness over legal problems from the 2 DUI’s of last year and seem powerless to do anything but submit to the court’s habit of treating all addictions with criminal punishment. I want so badly to keep going forward and feel so healthy and strong, it is very frustrating to know I will go on for years, to pay for what I allowed alcohol and depression to do to me.

Thanks so much for being strong and public with your innovative treatment options. I know they will not be silenced and destroyed by AA, any longer. But the transition will be hard and long, as I know you are probably daily reminded. Thanks for the ear, (eye-ha, ha)-BJ ………

BJ was asked to write her views and experience on relapse and this is what she wrote ………….

Hey Tim-sorry it has taken me so long to write back with my thoughts on relapse-here goes-Do I think that relapse is almost inevitable, as seems to be readily accepted in the treatment community? NO!
But I can surely testify that one can set themselves up for one and I am one of those unfortunates. My last relapse ended with another DUI that has cost me dearly and will continue to do so. How did I fail? Actually, the system failed me as much as I allowed it to and I did real well with the rest!

In reading over your alternate treatment theories, I readily agree, that we as alcohol/drug abusers are no different than anyone else. We just chose a more physically visible addiction. Our alcohol abuse is treated as a crime, a weakness of character, even immorality. To be sure, chemical addictions are much more dangerous to innocent people; you and I both know we are the ones who are damaged far beyond what others see. I think of AA meetings, where I hear another suffering person believing that he alone has the defect of fear, of selfishness etc. You state it very well when you say that everyone has these emotions, it is just that not everyone deals with them the same way. Our way gets alot of attention!

I think it is a travesty to shame someone into sobriety, leading them to believe that they have a simple disease, that will be arrested; if they just don’t pick up. It is an insult to our intelligence and for me it was a major roadblock, to be told that I could no longer control my life. Knowing that I was once a very successful wife, mother and nurse; and then being told that I had developed some disease and could no longer be responsible for myself unless I adhered to 12 steps (steps that are just another way of leading a good, moral and for me Christian life) and stayed sober. It was all too much for me to bear and I caved-many, many times. Each relapse was worse and the final one came down to me almost being placed in a psyc. ward. That was enough for me.

It is very clear for me to see, now, that we can sense a relapse in the making, long before it comes. But if we are told it will probably happen, it is normal, just get up the next day and start over; we are overcome with this fear, it breaks us down with depression, hopelessness and despair. If we plunge into good psycho-therapy or whatever mental treatment we chose, and tackle it honestly with a good therapist, there is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, this tunnel was long and painful and it took me almost a year to break through the memories, fear, and shame of sexual abuse. I can easily see now that drinking numbed thoughts that I just could not deal with, any longer.

Is it hard? You bet it is. But with the strong faith that I have conquered my demons, sometimes on a daily basis, I feel very confident that my next 40 years will be so much better than the last, and consequently I have no desire to destroy my mental or physical life with a chemical. I can now live the way I was meant to live; without much fear or with the strength to fight the fear and win. It is so freeing to know that I am as strong as I thought I was, that others are finding out that we don’t have some damn disease that we can use as a scapegoat for bad behavior. We are intelligent, loving caring people with no more “defects” than the guy next door.(maybe even less!)

Granted, each person is different and many roads are much tougher than others. But I truly believe that we were created to be good people. We are a race that is is besieged with horrible dysfuntions that lead us to so many depths of evil. Much of this is beyond our control. We can chose how to deal with life and it’s hurdles, we can try to numb problems away; or we can summon our strength, take advantage of all the healthy alternatives there are out there, and go forward. That is where the despair landed me. I am so grateful for people like you, Tim, who aren’t afraid to expose the pitfalls of addiction treatment as it is readily accepted. It has not worked for everyone. As one of those stubborn people who refused to accept complacency, I am blessed. The road is not nearly at it’s end, but I have found a crossroads now. I can chose for myself, which way to go. I am heading straight for the prize of mental health, stability, and moral living! I chose never again, to allow alcohol to rule my life and lead me to pain and sorrow. Life is becoming GOOD!

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