Alcohol addiction is not a disease! Quit drinking today. A self help alternative to quit drinking forever.

Addiction Recovery–Alcohol Addiction–Quit Drinking–Alcoholism–Alternative Approach To Quit Drinking–The AA Alternative

A Practical Solution

So you have decided alcohol or drugs just aren’t cutting it for you anymore and you are entertaining the idea of cutting back or quitting. You know the first step is to not use alcohol or drugs but after that what happens? Just the thought of never using alcohol or drugs again may cause you fear and anxiety. You wonder how you will ever enjoy another get together with an old college-drinking buddy. You wonder how you will make it through the holidays, weekends, or cope with all the stress in life. You feel you may miss out on some of life’s activities and pleasures because you no longer use alcohol or drugs. The doubts about quitting, and the reasons to continue alcohol or drug use start flying around in your head. These doubts are normal but they can often create major obstacles in eliminating alcohol or drugs from one’s life. The reasons and excuses above are important in the sense that they illustrate the beliefs of many who think they can’t quit. They believe their lives will be missing something if they do quit alcohol or drugs.

Below you will find a list of some common misconceptions of those with alcohol or drug addictions. I will give a brief refute to these misconceptions in an attempt to lessen the reasons why some believe they can’t quit alcohol or drugs. (For a more thorough and comprehensive look at these misconceptions see Allan Carr’s book Easy Way To Control Alcohol.) I will then list five practical solutions someone struggling with an alcohol or drug addiction can use to remain alcohol and drug free.

1) Alcohol or drugs help me escape problems.

– False, they numb your senses and mind. They do not address the originating problem or stress but rather intensify and compound it. A great example of this is if your car’s engine light came on. Would you rewire the circuit so that the light did not come on, or would you take your car to a mechanic to have your engine checked? Obviously, rewiring the circuit would do nothing to solve the problem. Likewise, alcohol and drugs only numb you to the real issues that need to be addressed and looked at.

2) Alcohol and drugs relax me.

– False, to be truly relaxed you need to address what is causing you the stress. Alcohol and drugs only deaden the senses; they do not remove the stress.

3) It takes willpower to quit and I don’t know if I have enough.

– False, there is no willpower involved here, simply a choice. Willpower is only needed if we look at how we are giving something up. There is nothing to give up when one decides to quit using alcohol or drugs for these things do nothing for you to begin with. In actuality, what you are deciding to do is choose an alternative way to handle life. This doesn’t take willpower (although it may take some practice) All it takes is an active choice. Alcohol and drugs do not demand you use them. You use them because you believe you can’t handle life without them. The choice to use or not use alcohol or drugs is always present. Anyone who has struggled with an addiction to alcohol or drugs can verify they have, at times, refrained from use. It’s a choice to use or not use, don’t complicate it. A simple illustration would go as follows: What if I said I have milk and orange juice in the fridge, and I would like the milk. Would it take willpower for you to not grab the orange juice? Of course not. It would just be a simple choice. View alcohol and drugs the same way. You can use or not use; it’s your choice. Willpower has nothing to do with it.

4) I drink to be sociable.
– False, alcohol and drug use do not make someone more sociable, but rather remove inhibitions and common sense. Alcohol and drugs give false courage and often with much embarrassment.

5) If I don’t continue using alcohol or drugs, I will be physically sick with withdrawal.

– Not necessarily, most people I have encountered experience flu like symptoms for around three days. They may be a little shaky and disoriented, but it is no worse than the common hangover or flu for most. The major battle is mental. For the hard-core alcohol or drug user I would consult a physician for your body will be going through a major adjustment. Be smart, if you are at all concerned about the physical symptoms, consult your physician.

6) I enjoy drinking.

– False, in reality you believe you cannot enjoy life without alcohol or drugs. For the alcohol users, do you remember your first taste of liquor? Did you say, “Wow, that is the best tasting liquid I have ever had?” Most of those who currently struggle with an addiction wish they weren’t drinking or using drugs while they use. Where is the enjoyment in that?

There are many reasons people will give why they drink or drug and why it is not a problem for them. If it truly was not a problem, they would not need reasons. Do I have to give a reason for drinking water or milk? No, because it is no big issue for me. So the above are some brief explanations of the reasons some may use to continue drug or alcohol use.

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The following is a list five things an alcohol or drug user can utilize to help them quit drinking alcohol or stop drug use.

1) Get out of your head!

– You have decided to quit using alcohol or drugs after much mental debate. A day or two goes by and you start to feel better physically. You are very proud of yourself. Something happens at work that is stressful and what happens. Your head starts looking for a way to cope with the stress. The alcohol or drug debate begins again. You start rationalizing and justifying how it may not be so bad for one more drink or hit. STOP right there! You are and will achieve what you think! Get out of your head and focus on something else. It’s your negative thinking that got you into the drug and alcohol mess to begin with. But how do you do this?

2) Be selfless not selfish!

– A major reason to want to use alcohol or drugs is selfishness. The poor me syndrome. The whole world starts to revolve around you and no one has as bad as problems as you do. Well none of these problems will be remedied by using alcohol or drugs. You wont pay your bills or patch up the situation with your spouse or at work by using. You wont even find that moment of happiness you are so desperately seeking by using alcohol and drugs. Instead of going up into your head and feeling miserable about yourself or situation, help someone! Get out of your head and into someone else’s world. Kindness to others is the key here, for it does not allow you to have a pity party in your head. The greatest cure and joy in the world to combat misery and selfishness is to help someone else. Talk to someone who seems down. Volunteer at a hospital or detox center. Do anything to get out of your head and not think about yourself. It works!

3) Do something!
– Nothing will change if you sit on the couch feeling sorry for yourself. You need motion and action. All the planning and goals mean little if you don’t put some action behind them. Do something! Get a hobby, volunteer your time, go running, read a book. Whatever will help put you in motion. The concept of fear is important here for most who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction have let fear immobilize them. Remember this: fear lessons and becomes irrelevant when we are actively working toward a goal. Do something toward a goal you have.

4) Choose a goal!

– A goal is something you want to achieve that does not hurt yourself or others. It’s what you want to focus your life towards. Those who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction often lose sight of what their goals are. Find one! What do you enjoy doing? Even if it is a small goal, find one. Finding a goal and working towards it eliminates the power of alcohol or drugs in your life. Your life becomes about who you want to be not who you were.

5) Establish meaning in your life!

– If you are spiritual or religious, PRAY. Re-connect with life and that quiet but persistent voice inside you. Your emotions will tell you when your focus is wrong. Emotions are the nerves to the soul. Listen to them, and if you are having negative emotions look at where your focus is right now. Readjust it! When you were drinking or using drugs your focus was only on yourself. You weren’t happy. You can be! Who do you want to be, what do you want to value, and who do you want to care about? Focus is individual for everyone, but you know it is there. You feel it. You are not ignorant, weak, or stupid. You have just never pushed through your fear of life by getting out of your head, thinking of others first, and putting action behind your goals. You do these simple steps and you have just obtained your new focus!

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FROM THE MAILBAG* REAL RESPONSES… FROM REAL PEOPLE…. MAKING REAL & LIFE CHANGING CHOICES! __________ Thank you, For everything, For hope, For a choice, I AM NOT ANONYMOUS, I HAVE A VOICE, AND IT IS MINE AND MINE ALONE….. R.W. __________ The Ebook – A Practical Guide To Quit Addiction!

* Due to confidentiality, names and certain specifics (location, identifying features, etc.) have been changed. The words and messages have been kept as received. The purpose of listing these emails is to encourage and challenge those who struggle with an addiction to seek assistance and let them know there is alternatives to current addiction treatment thinking. If you do not have the money to purchase the book or CD’s, email me and I will send the ebook to you free. And as always, you are always free to contact me and I will help as I can. The Ebook – A Practical Guide To Quit Addiction! Timothy Welch

ALCOHOL & DRUG ADDICTION SELF HELP TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE

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Understanding Relapse

By now the term “relapse” is both widely used and engrained into the minds of most all of who are lucky enough to enter some form of treatment in the US for chemical dependency. The “treated” person is informed that with chemical dependency, relapse can occur at any time and that from moment to moment one must be alerted to the “triggers” that may cause this regrettable fall, back to the clutches of addiction. “One day at a time” and, “you are only an arms length away from your next drink” are the clichés which echo through most AA halls and treatment offices. Although well intentioned, the concept of relapse is associated with the idea that chemical dependency or addiction is a disease. Those unfortunate enough to have this biological/chemical abnormality will forever have to be conscious of their struggle to maintain sobriety. There is no escape. The disease of chemical dependency never leaves, and in fact it is waiting in the background for its chance to reclaim its victim. Relapse is viewed as something outside the realm of the person’s control. Sure, no one forces them to pick up a drink, but if they succumb to the temptation, it is blamed on the disease. It is not until the addict surrenders his will and admits complete defeat that any hope of abstinence from chemical dependency can be obtained. Or so we hope, remember the disease is powerful and no one is off the hook, ever!

I feel the above is unfortunate and that our current outlook and use of the term “relapse” needs a more honest investigation.

First of all, there is no study or medical literature that proves or has found there to be any biological disease with chemical dependency or addiction. There is none! Believe it or not, the disease idea is used purely because no one has a clue why someone would continue to destroy his or her lives through an addiction. If we believe people would not consciously choose chemical dependency or addiction as a way of life, we conclude it must be a disease.

With no scientific literature to support this, the concept of relapse is absurd. We cannot relapse if there is no disease.

Telling people addiction is a disease, and relapse is part of that disease, (when both are false) is setting them up for failure. The disease concept does not encourage the addict to choose and control what he can to improve his life. The disease concept strips the addict of free will and puts them under the control of an imaginary disease. Again, no one and nothing can force them to pick up a drink. But if they do take the drink, it is the disease, not the man. Try this; think of someone you know who doesn’t drink. Now think of them as an alcoholic. What did you just add to them? You got it, a disease. By labeling them an alcoholic, in your mind, you have just separated them as being “different” from the normal person because of some internal biological craving. They are not different. They are just choosing a form of behavior you would not.

Secondly, 80% of those who admit they once had a problem with an addiction no longer have the addiction. They “recovered” on their own. The importance here is that these people are not struggling with a day-to-day battle of the wills to abstain from drug or alcohol use. They did not need 90 meetings in 90 days, or intensive outpatient therapy with relapse plans. They simply quit. They can do this because there is no disease. Their values and focus changed and they decided drugs and alcohol no longer held the power and significance it once had. People normally change when they realize they have something to lose if they don’t change. Pain and consequences are important here for when one gets disturbed enough they will be more motivated to change. Those who continue to use alcohol or drugs have not yet been convinced that life would be better lived if they quit. Some would then ask if those who continue to use alcohol or drugs need to “hit bottom” in order to change. The answer to that is simple. No.

The addict will continue to use until he or she is convinced that they can successfully live life without the use of alcohol or drugs.

This can come at any time and for some, it is never. There is no “bottom”. It is relative, and has more to do with why people think they can’t quit than why people continue to drink or use drugs. In other words, I am not going to quit until I think I can.

So knowing that addiction is not a disease, relapse cannot exist. And, knowing that the majority of people quit on their own, personal perception and choice is important. Why?

Because it is human nature to choose what we perceive will give us the most happiness at any given moment

But what does happiness have to do with drinking or using drugs? Anyone can tell that the addict isn’t happy. That’s right, those who drink or drug aren’t happy but that doesn’t mean they can’t perceive it to bring happiness. Addicts are full of fear, like many people who live life. The only difference is that the addict consistently chooses not to productively deal with that fear. The addict hides, and with this hiding comes the illusion of control. They numb themselves to have a moment of peace, happiness. Now are they actually experiencing peace and happiness? Of course not, but if you have a splinter in your foot and you knock yourself on the head with a baseball bat, you wont be thinking about the foot!

But this still does not answer the question of why some can’t seem to quit even though they portray a real desire to do so?

The obvious answer would be because they are told they cannot.

The same people who want to help them are at the same time telling them they can never escape their addiction completely.

This is not acceptable to me. Let’s look at the process. Someone struggling with an addiction goes to counseling or AA. They are given all the above and more standard information. They buy into “One day at a time” and the disease concept and get “sober”. They are excited about this and jump into the “recovery” process full force. But something starts to happen when they are told “recovery” is a life long process and they can never escape their disease. They find only two choices; remain in AA(treatment), or fail. They remain in AA and periodic counseling for a while. But shortly they start realizing that the mistakes they have made are coming back to haunt them. Their finances are in trouble, friends are hesitant to call, family distrusts them, they still are not happy, etc. Things are a mess. What happens? Well when you take away the addiction, the person becomes like everyone else (probably with a bit more mess to clean up though). There is no more hiding or excuses and the person is hit with the realization that the position he is now in is from his own past choices. He knows he can refrain from drinking or drugging, because he is doing it now. But, he feels alone and has difficulty understanding and controlling his feelings. For the first time in a while he feels fear. What does he do?

He holds on to his “recovery”. It is his saving grace. It becomes his identity and image.

His self-esteem seems to hinder on his progress of the 12 steps and how other members view him. But this wears thin and he soon finds out that people don’t care. The world goes on. His progress in the steps do not land him a job or get his family back. His image falls. He remembers his disease. At least he has that fight. It becomes harder to deny the usefulness his old addiction could give him now. It’s a disease remember. He feels out of control and needs to regain it. He uses and the cycle starts again. Until he realizes that addiction is a choice, he cannot regain control and ownership of his life.

He must come to realize that his individual worth is not because he is “sober” but because he is alive.

If he does “relapse” it is not because he has a disease, but because he chose to deal with his fear by avoidance.

So why can’t people quit drugs or alcohol when everything they say indicates they want to? Simply, they feel they cannot live life without it. They have made the wrong choices for so long and depended on their addictions as a crutch. To stop drinking or using drugs would strip them of the only constant they know:

The ability to control their fear and helplessness in a way they perceive as most effective for their particular situation.

This is relapse, addiction. So what can we do? Lets keep this simple.

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– We must empower the individual struggling with alcohol or drugs. We do this by taking away all excuses they may have to why they cannot stop drinking or druging. They will have many of these excuses. But the bottom line is that they don’t believe they have the necessary personal resourses to overcome it. Find their talents and help them emphasize them. I do not believe they are weak willed or spiritually deprived. Their will’s have taken them to a place where no one else would want to go. If they wanted to drink or drug, they found a way to do it. Use this strength to re-focus them. Their spirituality is normally quite strong. They are searching for something, a meaning. Help them find this meaning. Victor Frankl wrote that if you give a person purpose and meaning, they will find a way through anything. No matter how hopeless it seems. Even atheists believe in something. Even if it is life itself.

– There is no biological or chemical disease.

If they use, it’s their choice. Relapse is a choice. Tell them this.

– For every choice to use alcohol or drugs, there is an alternative choice also available.

They may have forgotten this part. The alternative choice will most likely impact the problem more directly to resolve it and not further its existence. Fear may enter here. They have avoided responsibility like the plague. But when they finally realize that their control comes from responsible choices they are more willing to attempt it. The key is when they can see how choosing the responsible choice will positively impact their life situation. When life situations can’t be seen improving, change will be hard fought.

– No one truely enjoys their addictive behavior.

They don’t drink or drug because they “like it”. Think back to the first few times you used. The taste was awful and it most likely made you sick. No one I have ever encountered formed their desire to use after the first drink or hit. It took some work.

– Make sure goals are clear and achievable.

The addict must develop a clear vision and plan of what they want and who they want to be. This is most important, for through their use of alcohol or drugs most have lost sight of the dreams and goals they once had. Remind them. Most healthy people look at the world as their playground. The addict looks at the world as their prison. Help them find the key.

– Avoid cleaning up their mess.

Don’t get involved with the blame game. Addicts are real good at this. They can twist any situation to support their misery. Let choices and consequences be theirs. This way there is no one to blame but themselves.

– Let them know that it is ok to feel.

Most addicts don’t know how to do this. Teach them. To them, feelings are the enemy and have to be avoided. Feelings come and go and feelings will not kill you. It’s how you respond to them that matters.

– Fear is at the root of all addictions

Get them to takle one of these fears head on and they gain some ground. Build on these small successes so they can start to see their innate abilities to change.

– Get them out of their heads!

There is no destructive force in the world greater than an addicts self centered thinking. Mental illness has been defined as perceiving without testing. We perceive according to the stories we tell ourselves in our heads. It does not matter the reality of these stories. They are how we see the world. The addict has such a selfish view (story) that if they are left in their own heads there is little chance of positive change. What works well here is to have the addict help out others. If they are thinking of someone else, they will not be thinking of themselves. There is no greater fullfillment in the world than one who truly gives to another and expects nothing in return. Teach them to give.

– Perhaps the most dangerous idea in the treatment field is the phrase “You have to do it for yourself”.
Who do you think the addict has been serving all this time? His family and friends? Get them out of their heads! Teach them to help others.

– Motives drive an addiction.

Teach them to examine the motives behind their behavior. Most of their motives will be fear based. Remember their addiction is their attempt to control an internal feeling of fear and helplessness. A good rule of thumb in checking motives to a behavior is to ask, “will this hurt or harm myself or others?” If the answer is yes, then difficulties lie ahead. Behaviors with fear as their motive will only result in self protecting behavior. They will not focus on a solution to a problem and will not satisfy.

– Fear and guilt do little to help the addict abstain from alcohol or drugs!

Most professionals focus on the negative consequences as a reason to abstain from alcohol or drugs. This is the wrong approach. The addict already knows, or has experienced the negative consequences associated with using. This has not hindered their use. They may cut down for a while after experiencing a negative consequence only to resume normal use as time goes on. This is because people do not like to live in fear. They want to escape it. Guilt is the same thing. People want to avoid it. Fear and guilt focus on the problem not the solution. Teach them to focus on the solution. Help them see that change occurs when they focus their life on something other than drinking or drugging. Don’t define them as “in recovery” or by “sober time”. This is a focus on the problem. When they realize they can handle stress in life, not because the are “sober” or “in recovery” but because they are alive and equipped with the ability to do so, drugs and alcohol will be irrelevant.

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THERE WAS A TIME BY T. R.

ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE

There was a time when I needed to quit drinking and using drugs and was “referred” to A.A. by way of the Uniform Code of Military Justice in 1982. The military sent me to their treatment facility which emphasized the program. At the time, I had many questions about the steps and how they could be applied. Though I went to meetings, tried to work the program and honestly wanted to stay clean, I got drunk, made trouble and was therefore discharged. After the honorable discharge and my first divorce, I went to few meetings though found it difficult to maintain sobriety. Honestly, I wanted to stay sober and knew that I had was unable to continue drinking and using in any socially responsible manner. However, I found greater difficulty in working the steps and making any kind of personal connection in A.A. Through drinking behavior, I again made serious trouble for myself and was again forcibly referred to the program, this time by civilian authorities. In need of some structure to keep me from drinking, I gladly accepted being remanded to A.A.-based recovery.

I had learned enough by that time to play the game and went to the meetings, many times “under the influence.” Because I was affected badly by the drugs which I had substituted for alcohol, another divorce ensued. Afterwards, I got more involved with A.A. and also found N.A. Even though A.A. slogans seemed to fly in the face of common sense, I did my best to accept them and the admonitions of my sponsors, mindlessly. Nevertheless, the time between my debauches never exceeded a few months. Though I continued with meetings and working the program, I thought I was in their category of “such unfortunates,” and was “constitutionally incapable.” Desperate helplessness, often reinforced in meetings, kept me coming back for daily emotional flagellation. Gradually, I learned to accept the shame and how to blame myself with impunity. But I learned how to gossip and thereby be included in social circles. Then I found something else even more attractive, the fact that program members often have sex with each other.

It was a fantastic time to be promiscuous, in a fairly large city in the mid-1980’s. Almost all of the women I had sex with were people I met at A.A. meetings. Most of them only wanted sex and it was sometimes a virtually anonymous act. Of course, if any one would get hurt in the relationship, I would quickly blame myself and accept the shame like a good 12-stepper. Curiously, I found that when anyone in A.A. referred to a “relationship,” they are referring to a sexual relationship. (That reference continues to this day.) Also, I found that such a bond is the main goal among most members of the fellowship. By the early 1990’s, that goal was focused on singular relationships. By way of gossiping, sex partners find each other while A.A. members tend to be arbiters of each others’ relationships. Perhaps due to considerations of disease, I recently noticed many A.A. members’ great concern for establishing primary “relationships.”

In the past, I fell into the ranks and pursued the ideal of a long-term relationship with a program member. Personally, I was never able to maintain such a “program” relationship beyond a few years. Over the decades, I have noted that many members marry each other, though usually divorce. Appropriately, in the words of an old-timer I heard in 1987, “Alcoholics shouldn’t be allowed to be in relationships.” Perhaps he was correct.

My continuous sobriety began in 1988 with a relationship that started at a meeting. A very attractive woman, 10 years to my junior, insisted that I remain sober in order for us to be together. Once I had mustered a few months without drinking or using, she contacted me. Though she had been sober for more than a year, I wasn’t about to bring up the “13th Step.” As it turned out, I was very gratifying to her emotionally and enhanced that by writing a great deal of poetry to her. So by the time I was sober for six months, she deemed that long enough to be beyond the threshold of “raping a newcomer.”

The emotional gratification translated very easily into gratifying sex, although the word gratuitous is more applicable. Sparing the details, we quickly became very enmeshed. Because we were acutely aware of codependency, a very hot topic at the time, we read all the right books – together. We felt that our relationship met all the standards that we learned from the program(s) and our respective counselors. Certainly it seemed very right and while occasionally I felt manipulated, I was very willing to give up power to her. After all, giving up control was something that I was becoming very practiced at, due to working the steps. Though she was much younger than I, she gave me direction in her interpretation of the 12 steps. At the time, I was in my senior year of college in Milwaukee and everything seemed perfect for us. We remained sober, though were substituting obsessive sex for alcohol and drugs. By the time I finished school, it was a foregone conclusion that we would move in together, which we basically had already been doing.

We set up house in a different city where I began my professional career and things went well for a while. Unfortunately, I then found that she had a very abusive streak, something learned from her being abused as a child. Essentially, I put up with it because she was highly attractive and sexually compulsive, which I wanted without question and she piqued my sexual compulsivity. Eventually, there were 2 times that I snapped and struck back when she became violent with me. The last time, she was wielding a butcher knife. However, being fully programmed at that point and a regular at meetings, I felt unabashed shame and blamed myself completely when she moved out. It was not long thereafter, though, that her and I were sleeping together again most nights of the week. But I was devastated when she announced to me that she had another boyfriend, who had come to live with her. At that point, A.A. became integrally incorporated in all I did, though could not soothe my intense bitterness.

I took to the road early in 1991 for several months, first south then west, staying with relatives and working various jobs. Although I had maintained A.A. contacts previously, meetings and sponsors figured even more prominently in my activities wherever I went. Even though the social activities sponsored by way of the program(s) were often awkward, I attended them with all the enthusiasm I could summon. Finally, the destination in those months of travel was Colorado, where I found another community of “drunks,” as I had all along the way. By summertime, however, I grew homesick and went back to Wisconsin. There, I found the same communities of A.A. where I became sober. By that time, I had been clean and sober for 3 years and found that I had a certain credibility. Note that “respect” is not the word used here; respect is not consistent with A.A. principles, as applied to members of the fellowship.

I found a good position in a field that was in demand and made many A.A. friends, some of whom I had known previously. Besides, acquaintances quickly become friends in the program. So great was my attraction to the fellowship that I rented an apartment a few blocks from an Alano Club. Clubs “associated” with A.A. were places I enjoyed and there was a bonus, I sometimes found sexual relationships there. They were the centers of the 12-step communities I found around the country and this particular Alano felt like home, as I had frequented it while in college. Oftentimes dances were held at various clubs, in addition to other social events for alcoholics. Though many of the people there were quite demented, A.A. slogans seemed to go a long way to soothe out personal conflicts. Some form of balance was also maintained through gossiping which was the basis of social hierarchy. And of course, properly blaming oneself also kept conflicts from developing. Even though I found that a large proportion of the membership were clinically diagnosed with severe mental and emotional disorders, I conceded to the chaotic social order. Perhaps I felt somewhat superior on one hand, while working the program ensured that I maintained an inferiority based on “powerlessness.”

It was primarily a happy phase of my life with an occasional circle of friends, though I recall instances of deep inner conflict that I could not explain. And though I was generally open to forming relationships, especially sexual ones, I found that there were times that I directly avoided becoming involved with specific women. Even though they were attractive, it seemed to be an automatic, unconscious reflex to avoid becoming close to them. Over the years, those memories have troubled me, as I can not explain why I did not want them. In fact, I’ve felt regret because they were people to whom I was attracted on many levels. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I rejected them because they wanted me, someone who was a plain, faceless A.A. with so many “character defects” that I was unworthy. There must have been something wrong with them if they wanted me! Perhaps it was as such, an inferiority/superiority complex essentially kept me caged, locked away from fulfilling the desires of my heart.

Following opportunities in my career, I began a gradual trek south, though I visited that Alano infrequently. Because I was alone, the moves were difficult emotionally, but I found A.A. communities wherever I went, I always had instant friends, social events and occasional sexual partners. Unfortunately, my sexual drive was the source of great heartache for others and myself. Though I never had a problem being simply friends with women, I found my desires increasing while my sex partners were decreasing. Somehow, my thought processes became very skewed. Virtually as a matter of course, I started going to sex addict meetings of various fellowships. Because I had been to meetings of assorted types including narcotics anon., relationships anon., even al-anon, I accepted their application of the 12 steps wholeheartedly. Eventually though, I saw that I could achieve the results needed for the “S” programs by applying the A.A. message to the sexual aspects of my life. So I began attending A.A. meetings exclusively again.

It is worthwhile to note the motives of a sponsor I had around that time. While he would listen to my problems for a bit, then tell me to go to a meeting, he would primarily focus on his business. He was involved in multi-level marketing and wanted me as part of his down-line. It was at that time I finally started to question the actual motivations of program members, including my own. Also, I began to feel dissatisfied with meetings and vocalized my concern over the ineffectiveness of A.A., given the statistics of the General Service Office and my own experience. As could be expected, my comments were downplayed by the same people who complained that there “was no sobriety” at the club and that it had a “revolving door.” Even though I knew I had a valid point, I felt that I must somehow be wrong. Then, I began to focus on recovering various aspects of my personality and basic humanity. Much to my disappointment, there was little feedback nor any suggestions in that regard. The only advice was to maintain mindless acceptance of the “principles,” slogans and other cliches.

I began to be disturbed by many members’ affirmations of how the program gave them so much of all they wanted. Apparently, the satisfaction they were getting was beyond words because they were never very specific. Only general, glowing terms were lavished in gratitude. My annoyance was due to the fact that I did not experience their joy. Of course, that was implicitly my own fault, being that I was as defective as the steps and the big book imply. So in order to fit in, I would echo the gratuitousness, mindless of the fact that by simply not drinking, I would take the ordinary measures to improve my life. Of course, I also took all the the “suggestions” including sponsorship and selflessness, which were useless except to provide frustration.

My desire and involvement in sexual relationships had lessened, due to work with a counselor and applying it. Occasionally, I became involved sexually with women but found much satisfaction in many other things. Because I bought a house, there were many things to occupy my time and I joined a church. Around the time I was sober 7 years, I found fulfillment in gardening, which still persists. Interestingly, I found my garden more satisfying than meetings. But I couldn’t shirk from my A.A. obligations; I was far too indoctrinated into the ritual and felt uncomfortable without it. Also, the people would probably think I was drinking and talk about me or worse, forget about me. Besides, I would miss out on all those potential relationship contacts.

Some of those kind of contacts definitely should be missed. Once again, I became involved with a woman who found that I was easily manipulated. Apparently, she was very good at manipulation and received not only child support from 3 different men, but also public aid and a variety of psychotropic prescriptions. Of course, she was involved with A.A. and N.A. and had been for many years. However, I eventually took on the bad guy role in that relationship though I did nothing to hurt her in any way and assisted her both financially and emotionally. For some reason, my program-induced guilt compelled me to buy her a car. As it turned out, I was only one of the guys that she was sleeping with and manipulating, which she later admitted to me as a twisted “amends.” So in the sordid way of the program, we gradually became friends again. Because I blamed myself for the failure of that previous, warped relationship, I afterwards chose to forego relationships with other women due to feelings of inadequacy. It seems that there were few boundaries to the self shaming and blaming, induced from the steps.

Celebrating my 10th sobriety anniversary offered no congratulations or fanfare. That evening my sponsor told me during a meeting, that I could “now could read the stories” in the big book, to everyone’s delight. Actually, it was embarrassing to be belittled in that way before dozens of people. Unfortunately, I had learned to accept such irrelevant admonishments by laughing myself. Accepting my insignificance, laughing at myself and my needs became second nature to me. I also accepted the very odd social/sexual structure associated with the program and found that many women would only come around when they needed to find contacts for sex.

It was a time of feeling much alienation, while I invested efforts heavily in “working the program” and communicating with A.A. members. Even my visits to the familiar Alano in Wisconsin were disappointing. At that club, I found that a couple had actually taken over the board of directors and were limiting membership as well as attendance. Few of my former associates came around and there was little reason to be there. Only the couple, who were married alcoholics that met at the club, seemed to be welcome there. Apparently, no dances or other activities went on during that time. Later, I found out that the couple were effectively removed from the board and I never saw them again. However, as gossip had it, they eventually divorced.

Contacts for contracting in my business grew meager in Illinois during 1999 and I was drawn to opportunities in Wisconsin. There, I found that a few of the people in the program community remained sober. But they were enough for a social base and many of the “slippers” would also return. Everyone was relieved that the couple who had essentially took over the club were gone and we all talked about each other with impunity. As usual, the gossip was manipulative and self-serving, one could never know if it was true.

Before long, it seemed that the good old days had returned with dances and many informal activities. Because I no longer had any illusions about the program, my social life improved as compared with previous years. But I did realize that I had grown and felt good about my many years of individually listening to people, helping with their problems. Such transient relationships seemed ok, especially that I could help. Also, I developed a relationship with a very attractive woman who honestly wanted only sex from me, as she said. I even found myself back at my old school not only studying, but also working as a teaching assistant.

Finding opportunities working with the university doing research, I had professional contacts who helped me enter a master’s program at my alma mater. Then I found a former acquaintance in A.A. who had a house near the campus and wanted a roommate. Though I realized that he was prescribed medication for mental problems, that was not uncommon in A.A. and I myself had a prescription for antidepressants. It was little cause for concern, I was very accustomed to people with similar difficulties in various fellowships. His offer was generous and dovetailed very well with my situation. Because I needed to maintain my house payments in Illinois, I moved my furnishings to Milwaukee and rented out my house. Essentially, it was a precarious balance of finances, but I had often wanted to pursue an advanced degree. Besides the academic opportunity, there was a cosmopolitan social atmosphere that I had been craving for years. However, the extent of my roommate’s mental and emotional problems soon became clear to me.

The man was tortured with hallucinations and paranoia. Though I could usually talk to him and even make him laugh, he became suspicious of me. For example, he became convinced that I had been sent by his doctors to provide surveillance and to be sure that he took proper medication. The latter point was apparently a matter of contention for him, his antipsychotic medications affected him in such a way that he didn’t want to take them. While at home, he liked to pace back and forth while chain smoking, occasionally asking me what I had said (in his hallucinations). Previously, he had sold all his furniture as a result of a crack binge and I wondered if my furnishings were safe. Because of his behavior, including occasional alcohol abuse, I also grew paranoid. However, I sometimes helped him through his delusions simply by listening to him. Despite my reassurances, on New Year’s Eve 1999, I drove him to a psychiatric hospital where he checked himself in due to the widespread Y2K paranoia. At the time, I realized the great pain that certain fear mongers were inflicting on people by way of an obvious urban myth. Of course, a few days later, I picked him up from the hospital and he seemed in good spirits.

The last time I talked to him was on the morning of my 40th birthday. He wished me a happy birthday and told me that he would be 40 himself later that year. Because he often spent time with his girlfriend, I didn’t think it unusual that he was not home that night. Then at around 2am, I answered the door to find police officers asking to come inside. Once it was determined that I was not the owner of the house, I was asked to sit down. They informed me that my roommate had swerved directly into the path of an oncoming semi and was immediately crushed. Needless to say, shock permeated me. Actually, he did not own a car to my knowledge and I related that to the officers. Although the driver’s license found at the scene was his, they could not be sure that the body was his. Subsequent days provided information that indeed it was him. He had bought a car that day and suicide was implicated but never proven.

I was deeply affected, though due to my schedule at school, never took much time to think or feel about it all. The situation gave me additional perspective on people in the program, because I noted their reactions to his death, usually an emotionally flat callousness. Perhaps even to this day, my perceptions are somewhat affected by my association with that poor fellow. For one thing, I began to realize that A.A. was a cult. Also, I acutely perceived the personal manipulations that were ongoing in the program, and so started to learn to be more protective of myself. And I noticed that there were supposed old-timers who I knew were lying about the duration of their sobriety, because I knew them over the years. By then, I had been clean and sober for 12 years and was still open to sharing, according to the program mandate though I began to avoid slogans. While I liked to be a good friend to people, I became more selective.

Finishing the course work portion of my degree, I found that I needed to work full time. After 2 full semesters, my stipend proved to be not enough in light of the debt I was accumulating. Occasional problems with tenants at my house also provided further financial pressure. Therefore, I withdrew from my program before writing a thesis. And because I could not find work in my field in the immediate area, I moved again. However I did not move far and so often visited the Alano. Of course, I found program communities in my local area and made all kinds of instant friends and of course a great deal of gossip and manipulation. Sadly, I discovered that I could no longer recommend A.A. to anyone for whom I cared.

Over the next few years, I watched many negative patterns that I had previously witnessed, repeat in my home area and at the familiar Alano. One thing I saw was that a small group of people try to exert dominance at clubs. Though I noticed it locally, I was more familiar with the dynamic at the Alano and the familiar pattern that emerged. Once again a couple, this time of males, found some kind of hegemony on the board of directors. Through intimidation they attempted to limit membership and attendance at the club, even discontinuing dances. Eventually, they were discredited and little was later heard from them. Such was a familiar sequence of events, not only at that Alano, but one I noticed locally with a group of motorcycle riders. Recalling many other clubs in various states, I recognize similar patterns of behavior among the membership.

Other behaviors are very disturbing to me. Recently, after my 15th clean-time anniversary, I became aware of some long-term friends who were manipulating and using me. Actually I’m not sure if any of them maintain sobriety. Sometimes it is difficult to get a straight answer from program members. One man I am sure lies about it and he turned out to be the most manipulative as well. For example, in conversations with him at the club, he would say certain things loudly that he wanted people to hear while keeping a low tone about taking responsibility for his actions. Some of the things he “announced” were outright lies though would rescind them in a quiet tone. Many other aspects of his treatment of me, including insults, were completely unacceptable. Though I had been his “friend” for many years, he obviously did not value that.

I found some of my women “friends” betrayed my trust blatantly. One, who I had known for many years strictly as a friend, strung me along to keep from being alone. While she was attempting to reconcile her love relationship, she wanted my friendship. Though I expressed that I had romantic feelings for her, she did not want me in that way and I respected her wishes. However, any time I mentioned my desire, she would say that she had been friends with her love object for 10 years before they dated. Without any other explanation, I was apparently to infer that maybe if I hung around 10 years, we could date. However, she became jealous of the attention I gave to another woman one day. Then it was too much for her when I gave more attention to yet another woman, who I had recently met. She was incensed that she was not the center of attention. In retrospect, I know for a fact that she has a problem with not being the center of attention, as she told me.

Fortunately for her, she then reconciled with her love and wanted nothing more to do with me, and told me via email. Another woman recently played a very childish game by telling me to come to her house then not answering the door. Yet another attempted to use me as a verbal whipping boy, a behavior which I did not accept from her years before and immediately stopped when she tried it again.

The list could continue, ad nauseum. Suffice it to say that I finally stopped being the object of the abuse of steppers. Though I previously had told some that I could not accept certain behavior, I was ignored or simply not valued very highly. And even though I expressed my misgivings about the program to individuals and in meetings, little was offered to quell my doubts other than slogans. Fortunately, I now see the self-defeating nature of the program. A recent, popular slogan epitomizes the fallacy, “the further away from the last drink you are, the closer you are to your next one.” Little is more absurd. It states that being far removed from the habit of drinking means you are going to drink. Garbage. There are so many other absurdities perpetuated in A.A. that there is scarcely enough time in eternity to unmask them all, though they are transparent.

I made the decision to turn my back completely on the program and its people. At the time of this writing, it has been about two months since I’ve been to a club or a meeting. (Applause.) Because I have been free of alcohol and drugs for more than 15 years, I feel to need to grow and expand my capabilities, but I surely don’t want to drink or use. As a matter of course, I will make mistakes as I am human. But I will not need to divulge details destined to become gossip fodder to a group of strangers, much less manipulative friends. Perhaps there are those whose need the rigidity and closed-mindedness of the A.A. fellowship. Seemingly, I did at one time. Thankfully, I am beginning the next phase of recovery, unencumbered by antiquated cliches and attitudes.

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ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE

AA Alternative–Non 12 Step Recovery–Alcoholics Anonymous Alternative–Quit Drinking without AA–Stop Drinking–Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous

“The Forgotten Five Steps”
Workbook/Audio Program!

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An empowering & practical approach to addiction.

AA Alternative, Non 12 Step, Alternatives to AA

There are vast amounts of information out there on the subject of alcohol and drug addiction, and my goal is to keep it real. I’ve seen what can work and I know the potential each human has and can choose to use, if the desire is there and the right information and motivation is available.

I must emphasize that I believe in the value of each person, and like myself, each must come to terms with who they are, what they desire, and their own way of finding it. My purpose here is not to convince anyone of how right one way is or better than another, but to share what I have learned in the process and hope that it will encourage others to do the same.

I have often heard the question, “Why do I drink or drug?” Or, “Why can’t I stop using alcohol or drugs?” These questions, I believe, miss the mark. The more important question is the “what” question. “What do alcohol and drugs give me?” “What has life presented to me that I believe cannot be handled without my loyal six-pack or pipe?” “What would happen to me if I could not depend on using alcohol or drugs?”

The answer is simple and nothing new. Those who drink or drug will do anything to avoid fear. “What” they get is a temporary fix or way out. It is human nature to choose what we perceive will give us the most happiness at any given moment. Fear hinders this process.

Fear is often secondary to the disease concept in most recovery programs. I believe this gives people a “false hope” that if they obtain a mastery over this insidious disease they will obtain a life of happiness. However, they find out this is not the case when they are presented with a negative life experience and end up using alcohol or drugs again.

Why? Because they believe (perceive) the situation will be unmanageable if they do not run and hide in a bottle or pipe. The avoidance of fear is greater than resolving the conflict in a positive manner.

Addiction is our ability to control fear in a way we perceive as most effective for a particular situation. To control this fear is the motivation and alcohol and drugs serve this purpose well.

In the end, the person struggling with an addiction must come to realize that his/her individual worth is not because he/she is “sober” or “addicted” but because he/she is alive.

The addict will continue to use until he/she is convinced that they can successfully live life without the use of alcohol or drugs.

There Is A Way & You Have A Choice!
I must expand here for I do not believe the alcohol or drug user is inept or deficient in any way. They are not any different than the non-addicted person. Sure they may have a mess to clean up with family and friends, but their desire to avoid fear and obtain happiness is the same as anyone’s. Some overeat, some exercise too much, some close themselves off and become bitter, some work too much, some drink or use drugs, etc. The bottom line is balancing how we cope with our fear in life and still be able to function in a healthy way.

But how do we decide this balance? How do we determine what is healthy or unhealthy for each of us individually?

The question I often ask myself is “What statement do I want to give to the world?” This is individual and powerful for each individual. It cannot be taught to them or forced upon them with consequences and threats. Consequences and threats can be a motivation to change only if the person realizes their current choice of behavior does not match their inner desire and focus of who they want to be and choose for their life.

So the answer lies in our ability to realize who we are and who we want to be. But how?

I get this question a lot. So I decided to create a guide that will help you. In the ebook “The Forgotten Five-Steps” I explain a simple program that will allow you to do this. I also will give you online help and coaching. I believe it is important to invest in your life and obtain accountability. $35 is a small price compared to the thousands of dollars traditional rehabs and programs charge. The money is secondary to me, I’m looking for a commitment. Instead of going out and smoking or drinking this money, decide right now to invest in something that will give you the ability to define your life as you want it to be. I will send it to you free if you are short on money, but for most I would encourage you to purchase it.

You have probably been through the programs and know all the info. Forget all that and decide now that you want more, that you want hope.

“The Forgotten Five Steps”
Workbook/Audio Program!

Download Now!

An empowering & practical approach to addiction.
AA Alternative, Non 12 Step, Alternatives to AA

Contact me with any questions!

AA Alternative

www.recoverforever.com

www.addictionalternative.net

www.newarkohiocounseling.com

AA Alternative, Non 12 Step Alternatives to AA

Newark Ohio Alcohol & Drug Counseling

AA Alternative–Non 12 Step Recovery–Alcoholics Anonymous Alternative–Quit Drinking without AA–Stop Drinking–Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous
Individual drug and alcohol counseling for the Ohio Counties: Licking County Ohio – Knox County Ohio- Fairfield County – Perry County Ohio- Muskingum County – Coshocton County

So you have decided alcohol or drugs just aren’t cutting it for you anymore and you are entertaining the idea of cutting back or quitting. You know the first step is to not use alcohol or drugs but after that what happens? Just the thought of never using alcohol or drugs again may cause you fear and anxiety. You wonder how you will ever enjoy another get together with an old college-drinking buddy. You wonder how you will make it through the holidays, weekends, or cope with all the stress in life. You feel you may miss out on some of life’s activities and pleasures because you no longer use alcohol or drugs. The doubts about quitting, and the reasons to continue alcohol or drug use start flying around in your head. These doubts are normal but they can often create major obstacles in eliminating alcohol or drugs from one’s life. The reasons and excuses above are important in the sense that they illustrate the beliefs of many who think they can’t quit. They believe their lives will be missing something if they do quit alcohol or drugs.

Below you will find a list of some common misconceptions of those with alcohol or drug addictions. I will give a brief refute to these misconceptions in an attempt to lessen the reasons why some believe they can’t quit alcohol or drugs. (For a more thorough and comprehensive look at these misconceptions see Allan Carr’s book Easy Way To Control Alcohol.) I will then list five practical solutions someone struggling with an alcohol or drug addiction can use to remain alcohol and drug free.

1) Alcohol or drugs help me escape problems.

– False, they numb your senses and mind. They do not address the originating problem or stress but rather intensify and compound it. A great example of this is if your car’s engine light came on. Would you rewire the circuit so that the light did not come on, or would you take your car to a mechanic to have your engine checked? Obviously, rewiring the circuit would do nothing to solve the problem. Likewise, alcohol and drugs only numb you to the real issues that need to be addressed and looked at.

2) Alcohol and drugs relax me.

– False, to be truly relaxed you need to address what is causing you the stress. Alcohol and drugs only deaden the senses; they do not remove the stress.

3) It takes willpower to quit and I don’t know if I have enough.

– False, there is no willpower involved here, simply a choice. Willpower is only needed if we look at how we are giving something up. There is nothing to give up when one decides to quit using alcohol or drugs for these things do nothing for you to begin with. In actuality, what you are deciding to do is choose an alternative way to handle life. This doesn’t take willpower (although it may take some practice) All it takes is an active choice. Alcohol and drugs do not demand you use them. You use them because you believe you can’t handle life without them. The choice to use or not use alcohol or drugs is always present. Anyone who has struggled with an addiction to alcohol or drugs can verify they have, at times, refrained from use. It’s a choice to use or not use, don’t complicate it. A simple illustration would go as follows: What if I said I have milk and orange juice in the fridge, and I would like the milk. Would it take willpower for you to not grab the orange juice? Of course not. It would just be a simple choice. View alcohol and drugs the same way. You can use or not use; it’s your choice. Willpower has nothing to do with it.

4) I drink to be sociable.

– False, alcohol and drug use do not make someone more sociable, but rather remove inhibitions and common sense. Alcohol and drugs give false courage and often with much embarrassment.

5) If I don’t continue using alcohol or drugs, I will be physically sick with withdrawal.

– Not necessarily, most people I have encountered experience flu like symptoms for around three days. They may be a little shaky and disoriented, but it is no worse than the common hangover or flu for most. The major battle is mental. For the hard-core alcohol or drug user I would consult a physician for your body will be going through a major adjustment. Be smart, if you are at all concerned about the physical symptoms, consult your physician.

6) I enjoy drinking.

– False, in reality you believe you cannot enjoy life without alcohol or drugs. For the alcohol users, do you remember your first taste of liquor? Did you say, “Wow, that is the best tasting liquid I have ever had?” Most of those who currently struggle with an addiction wish they weren’t drinking or using drugs while they use. Where is the enjoyment in that?

There are many reasons people will give why they drink or drug and why it is not a problem for them. If it truly was not a problem, they would not need reasons. Do I have to give a reason for drinking water or milk? No, because it is no big issue for me. So the above are some brief explanations of the reasons some may use to continue drug or alcohol use. Next I will list five things an alcohol or drug user can utilize to help them quit alcohol or drug use.

1) Get out of your head!

– You have decided to quit using alcohol or drugs after much mental debate. A day or two goes by and you start to feel better physically. You are very proud of yourself. Something happens at work that is stressful and what happens. Your head starts looking for a way to cope with the stress. The alcohol or drug debate begins again. You start rationalizing and justifying how it may not be so bad for one more drink or hit. STOP right there! You are and will achieve what you think! Get out of your head and focus on something else. It’s your negative thinking that got you into the drug and alcohol mess to begin with. But how do you do this?

2) Be selfless not selfish!

– A major reason to want to use alcohol or drugs is selfishness. The poor me syndrome. The whole world starts to revolve around you and no one has as bad as problems as you do. Well none of these problems will be remedied by using alcohol or drugs. You wont pay your bills or patch up the situation with your spouse or at work by using. You wont even find that moment of happiness you are so desperately seeking by using alcohol and drugs. Instead of going up into your head and feeling miserable about yourself or situation, help someone! Get out of your head and into someone else’s world. Kindness to others is the key here, for it does not allow you to have a pity party in your head. The greatest cure and joy in the world to combat misery and selfishness is to help someone else. Talk to someone who seems down. Volunteer at a hospital or detox center. Do anything to get out of your head and not think about yourself. It works!

3) Do something!

– Nothing will change if you sit on the couch feeling sorry for yourself. You need motion and action. All the planning and goals mean little if you don’t put some action behind them. Do something! Get a hobby, volunteer your time, go running, read a book. Whatever will help put you in motion. The concept of fear is important here for most who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction have let fear immobilize them. Remember this: fear lessons and becomes irrelevant when we are actively working toward a goal. Do something toward a goal you have.

4) Choose a goal!

– A goal is something you want to achieve that does not hurt yourself or others. It’s what you want to focus your life towards. Those who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction often lose sight of what their goals are. Find one! What do you enjoy doing? Even if it is a small goal, find one. Finding a goal and working towards it eliminates the power of alcohol or drugs in your life. Your life becomes about who you want to be not who you were.

5) Establish meaning in your life!

– If you are spiritual or religious, PRAY. Re-connect with life and that quiet but persistent voice inside you. Your emotions will tell you when your focus is wrong. Emotions are the nerves to the soul. Listen to them, and if you are having negative emotions look at where your focus is right now. Readjust it! When you were drinking or using drugs your focus was only on yourself. You weren’t happy. You can be! Who do you want to be, what do you want to value, and who do you want to care about? Focus is individual for everyone, but you know it is there. You feel it. You are not ignorant, weak, or stupid. You have just never pushed through your fear of life by getting out of your head, thinking of others first, and putting action behind your goals. You do these simple steps and you have just obtained your new focus!