THERE WAS A TIME BY T. R.

ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE

There was a time when I needed to quit drinking and using drugs and was “referred” to A.A. by way of the Uniform Code of Military Justice in 1982. The military sent me to their treatment facility which emphasized the program. At the time, I had many questions about the steps and how they could be applied. Though I went to meetings, tried to work the program and honestly wanted to stay clean, I got drunk, made trouble and was therefore discharged. After the honorable discharge and my first divorce, I went to few meetings though found it difficult to maintain sobriety. Honestly, I wanted to stay sober and knew that I had was unable to continue drinking and using in any socially responsible manner. However, I found greater difficulty in working the steps and making any kind of personal connection in A.A. Through drinking behavior, I again made serious trouble for myself and was again forcibly referred to the program, this time by civilian authorities. In need of some structure to keep me from drinking, I gladly accepted being remanded to A.A.-based recovery.

I had learned enough by that time to play the game and went to the meetings, many times “under the influence.” Because I was affected badly by the drugs which I had substituted for alcohol, another divorce ensued. Afterwards, I got more involved with A.A. and also found N.A. Even though A.A. slogans seemed to fly in the face of common sense, I did my best to accept them and the admonitions of my sponsors, mindlessly. Nevertheless, the time between my debauches never exceeded a few months. Though I continued with meetings and working the program, I thought I was in their category of “such unfortunates,” and was “constitutionally incapable.” Desperate helplessness, often reinforced in meetings, kept me coming back for daily emotional flagellation. Gradually, I learned to accept the shame and how to blame myself with impunity. But I learned how to gossip and thereby be included in social circles. Then I found something else even more attractive, the fact that program members often have sex with each other.

It was a fantastic time to be promiscuous, in a fairly large city in the mid-1980’s. Almost all of the women I had sex with were people I met at A.A. meetings. Most of them only wanted sex and it was sometimes a virtually anonymous act. Of course, if any one would get hurt in the relationship, I would quickly blame myself and accept the shame like a good 12-stepper. Curiously, I found that when anyone in A.A. referred to a “relationship,” they are referring to a sexual relationship. (That reference continues to this day.) Also, I found that such a bond is the main goal among most members of the fellowship. By the early 1990’s, that goal was focused on singular relationships. By way of gossiping, sex partners find each other while A.A. members tend to be arbiters of each others’ relationships. Perhaps due to considerations of disease, I recently noticed many A.A. members’ great concern for establishing primary “relationships.”

In the past, I fell into the ranks and pursued the ideal of a long-term relationship with a program member. Personally, I was never able to maintain such a “program” relationship beyond a few years. Over the decades, I have noted that many members marry each other, though usually divorce. Appropriately, in the words of an old-timer I heard in 1987, “Alcoholics shouldn’t be allowed to be in relationships.” Perhaps he was correct.

My continuous sobriety began in 1988 with a relationship that started at a meeting. A very attractive woman, 10 years to my junior, insisted that I remain sober in order for us to be together. Once I had mustered a few months without drinking or using, she contacted me. Though she had been sober for more than a year, I wasn’t about to bring up the “13th Step.” As it turned out, I was very gratifying to her emotionally and enhanced that by writing a great deal of poetry to her. So by the time I was sober for six months, she deemed that long enough to be beyond the threshold of “raping a newcomer.”

The emotional gratification translated very easily into gratifying sex, although the word gratuitous is more applicable. Sparing the details, we quickly became very enmeshed. Because we were acutely aware of codependency, a very hot topic at the time, we read all the right books – together. We felt that our relationship met all the standards that we learned from the program(s) and our respective counselors. Certainly it seemed very right and while occasionally I felt manipulated, I was very willing to give up power to her. After all, giving up control was something that I was becoming very practiced at, due to working the steps. Though she was much younger than I, she gave me direction in her interpretation of the 12 steps. At the time, I was in my senior year of college in Milwaukee and everything seemed perfect for us. We remained sober, though were substituting obsessive sex for alcohol and drugs. By the time I finished school, it was a foregone conclusion that we would move in together, which we basically had already been doing.

We set up house in a different city where I began my professional career and things went well for a while. Unfortunately, I then found that she had a very abusive streak, something learned from her being abused as a child. Essentially, I put up with it because she was highly attractive and sexually compulsive, which I wanted without question and she piqued my sexual compulsivity. Eventually, there were 2 times that I snapped and struck back when she became violent with me. The last time, she was wielding a butcher knife. However, being fully programmed at that point and a regular at meetings, I felt unabashed shame and blamed myself completely when she moved out. It was not long thereafter, though, that her and I were sleeping together again most nights of the week. But I was devastated when she announced to me that she had another boyfriend, who had come to live with her. At that point, A.A. became integrally incorporated in all I did, though could not soothe my intense bitterness.

I took to the road early in 1991 for several months, first south then west, staying with relatives and working various jobs. Although I had maintained A.A. contacts previously, meetings and sponsors figured even more prominently in my activities wherever I went. Even though the social activities sponsored by way of the program(s) were often awkward, I attended them with all the enthusiasm I could summon. Finally, the destination in those months of travel was Colorado, where I found another community of “drunks,” as I had all along the way. By summertime, however, I grew homesick and went back to Wisconsin. There, I found the same communities of A.A. where I became sober. By that time, I had been clean and sober for 3 years and found that I had a certain credibility. Note that “respect” is not the word used here; respect is not consistent with A.A. principles, as applied to members of the fellowship.

I found a good position in a field that was in demand and made many A.A. friends, some of whom I had known previously. Besides, acquaintances quickly become friends in the program. So great was my attraction to the fellowship that I rented an apartment a few blocks from an Alano Club. Clubs “associated” with A.A. were places I enjoyed and there was a bonus, I sometimes found sexual relationships there. They were the centers of the 12-step communities I found around the country and this particular Alano felt like home, as I had frequented it while in college. Oftentimes dances were held at various clubs, in addition to other social events for alcoholics. Though many of the people there were quite demented, A.A. slogans seemed to go a long way to soothe out personal conflicts. Some form of balance was also maintained through gossiping which was the basis of social hierarchy. And of course, properly blaming oneself also kept conflicts from developing. Even though I found that a large proportion of the membership were clinically diagnosed with severe mental and emotional disorders, I conceded to the chaotic social order. Perhaps I felt somewhat superior on one hand, while working the program ensured that I maintained an inferiority based on “powerlessness.”

It was primarily a happy phase of my life with an occasional circle of friends, though I recall instances of deep inner conflict that I could not explain. And though I was generally open to forming relationships, especially sexual ones, I found that there were times that I directly avoided becoming involved with specific women. Even though they were attractive, it seemed to be an automatic, unconscious reflex to avoid becoming close to them. Over the years, those memories have troubled me, as I can not explain why I did not want them. In fact, I’ve felt regret because they were people to whom I was attracted on many levels. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I rejected them because they wanted me, someone who was a plain, faceless A.A. with so many “character defects” that I was unworthy. There must have been something wrong with them if they wanted me! Perhaps it was as such, an inferiority/superiority complex essentially kept me caged, locked away from fulfilling the desires of my heart.

Following opportunities in my career, I began a gradual trek south, though I visited that Alano infrequently. Because I was alone, the moves were difficult emotionally, but I found A.A. communities wherever I went, I always had instant friends, social events and occasional sexual partners. Unfortunately, my sexual drive was the source of great heartache for others and myself. Though I never had a problem being simply friends with women, I found my desires increasing while my sex partners were decreasing. Somehow, my thought processes became very skewed. Virtually as a matter of course, I started going to sex addict meetings of various fellowships. Because I had been to meetings of assorted types including narcotics anon., relationships anon., even al-anon, I accepted their application of the 12 steps wholeheartedly. Eventually though, I saw that I could achieve the results needed for the “S” programs by applying the A.A. message to the sexual aspects of my life. So I began attending A.A. meetings exclusively again.

It is worthwhile to note the motives of a sponsor I had around that time. While he would listen to my problems for a bit, then tell me to go to a meeting, he would primarily focus on his business. He was involved in multi-level marketing and wanted me as part of his down-line. It was at that time I finally started to question the actual motivations of program members, including my own. Also, I began to feel dissatisfied with meetings and vocalized my concern over the ineffectiveness of A.A., given the statistics of the General Service Office and my own experience. As could be expected, my comments were downplayed by the same people who complained that there “was no sobriety” at the club and that it had a “revolving door.” Even though I knew I had a valid point, I felt that I must somehow be wrong. Then, I began to focus on recovering various aspects of my personality and basic humanity. Much to my disappointment, there was little feedback nor any suggestions in that regard. The only advice was to maintain mindless acceptance of the “principles,” slogans and other cliches.

I began to be disturbed by many members’ affirmations of how the program gave them so much of all they wanted. Apparently, the satisfaction they were getting was beyond words because they were never very specific. Only general, glowing terms were lavished in gratitude. My annoyance was due to the fact that I did not experience their joy. Of course, that was implicitly my own fault, being that I was as defective as the steps and the big book imply. So in order to fit in, I would echo the gratuitousness, mindless of the fact that by simply not drinking, I would take the ordinary measures to improve my life. Of course, I also took all the the “suggestions” including sponsorship and selflessness, which were useless except to provide frustration.

My desire and involvement in sexual relationships had lessened, due to work with a counselor and applying it. Occasionally, I became involved sexually with women but found much satisfaction in many other things. Because I bought a house, there were many things to occupy my time and I joined a church. Around the time I was sober 7 years, I found fulfillment in gardening, which still persists. Interestingly, I found my garden more satisfying than meetings. But I couldn’t shirk from my A.A. obligations; I was far too indoctrinated into the ritual and felt uncomfortable without it. Also, the people would probably think I was drinking and talk about me or worse, forget about me. Besides, I would miss out on all those potential relationship contacts.

Some of those kind of contacts definitely should be missed. Once again, I became involved with a woman who found that I was easily manipulated. Apparently, she was very good at manipulation and received not only child support from 3 different men, but also public aid and a variety of psychotropic prescriptions. Of course, she was involved with A.A. and N.A. and had been for many years. However, I eventually took on the bad guy role in that relationship though I did nothing to hurt her in any way and assisted her both financially and emotionally. For some reason, my program-induced guilt compelled me to buy her a car. As it turned out, I was only one of the guys that she was sleeping with and manipulating, which she later admitted to me as a twisted “amends.” So in the sordid way of the program, we gradually became friends again. Because I blamed myself for the failure of that previous, warped relationship, I afterwards chose to forego relationships with other women due to feelings of inadequacy. It seems that there were few boundaries to the self shaming and blaming, induced from the steps.

Celebrating my 10th sobriety anniversary offered no congratulations or fanfare. That evening my sponsor told me during a meeting, that I could “now could read the stories” in the big book, to everyone’s delight. Actually, it was embarrassing to be belittled in that way before dozens of people. Unfortunately, I had learned to accept such irrelevant admonishments by laughing myself. Accepting my insignificance, laughing at myself and my needs became second nature to me. I also accepted the very odd social/sexual structure associated with the program and found that many women would only come around when they needed to find contacts for sex.

It was a time of feeling much alienation, while I invested efforts heavily in “working the program” and communicating with A.A. members. Even my visits to the familiar Alano in Wisconsin were disappointing. At that club, I found that a couple had actually taken over the board of directors and were limiting membership as well as attendance. Few of my former associates came around and there was little reason to be there. Only the couple, who were married alcoholics that met at the club, seemed to be welcome there. Apparently, no dances or other activities went on during that time. Later, I found out that the couple were effectively removed from the board and I never saw them again. However, as gossip had it, they eventually divorced.

Contacts for contracting in my business grew meager in Illinois during 1999 and I was drawn to opportunities in Wisconsin. There, I found that a few of the people in the program community remained sober. But they were enough for a social base and many of the “slippers” would also return. Everyone was relieved that the couple who had essentially took over the club were gone and we all talked about each other with impunity. As usual, the gossip was manipulative and self-serving, one could never know if it was true.

Before long, it seemed that the good old days had returned with dances and many informal activities. Because I no longer had any illusions about the program, my social life improved as compared with previous years. But I did realize that I had grown and felt good about my many years of individually listening to people, helping with their problems. Such transient relationships seemed ok, especially that I could help. Also, I developed a relationship with a very attractive woman who honestly wanted only sex from me, as she said. I even found myself back at my old school not only studying, but also working as a teaching assistant.

Finding opportunities working with the university doing research, I had professional contacts who helped me enter a master’s program at my alma mater. Then I found a former acquaintance in A.A. who had a house near the campus and wanted a roommate. Though I realized that he was prescribed medication for mental problems, that was not uncommon in A.A. and I myself had a prescription for antidepressants. It was little cause for concern, I was very accustomed to people with similar difficulties in various fellowships. His offer was generous and dovetailed very well with my situation. Because I needed to maintain my house payments in Illinois, I moved my furnishings to Milwaukee and rented out my house. Essentially, it was a precarious balance of finances, but I had often wanted to pursue an advanced degree. Besides the academic opportunity, there was a cosmopolitan social atmosphere that I had been craving for years. However, the extent of my roommate’s mental and emotional problems soon became clear to me.

The man was tortured with hallucinations and paranoia. Though I could usually talk to him and even make him laugh, he became suspicious of me. For example, he became convinced that I had been sent by his doctors to provide surveillance and to be sure that he took proper medication. The latter point was apparently a matter of contention for him, his antipsychotic medications affected him in such a way that he didn’t want to take them. While at home, he liked to pace back and forth while chain smoking, occasionally asking me what I had said (in his hallucinations). Previously, he had sold all his furniture as a result of a crack binge and I wondered if my furnishings were safe. Because of his behavior, including occasional alcohol abuse, I also grew paranoid. However, I sometimes helped him through his delusions simply by listening to him. Despite my reassurances, on New Year’s Eve 1999, I drove him to a psychiatric hospital where he checked himself in due to the widespread Y2K paranoia. At the time, I realized the great pain that certain fear mongers were inflicting on people by way of an obvious urban myth. Of course, a few days later, I picked him up from the hospital and he seemed in good spirits.

The last time I talked to him was on the morning of my 40th birthday. He wished me a happy birthday and told me that he would be 40 himself later that year. Because he often spent time with his girlfriend, I didn’t think it unusual that he was not home that night. Then at around 2am, I answered the door to find police officers asking to come inside. Once it was determined that I was not the owner of the house, I was asked to sit down. They informed me that my roommate had swerved directly into the path of an oncoming semi and was immediately crushed. Needless to say, shock permeated me. Actually, he did not own a car to my knowledge and I related that to the officers. Although the driver’s license found at the scene was his, they could not be sure that the body was his. Subsequent days provided information that indeed it was him. He had bought a car that day and suicide was implicated but never proven.

I was deeply affected, though due to my schedule at school, never took much time to think or feel about it all. The situation gave me additional perspective on people in the program, because I noted their reactions to his death, usually an emotionally flat callousness. Perhaps even to this day, my perceptions are somewhat affected by my association with that poor fellow. For one thing, I began to realize that A.A. was a cult. Also, I acutely perceived the personal manipulations that were ongoing in the program, and so started to learn to be more protective of myself. And I noticed that there were supposed old-timers who I knew were lying about the duration of their sobriety, because I knew them over the years. By then, I had been clean and sober for 12 years and was still open to sharing, according to the program mandate though I began to avoid slogans. While I liked to be a good friend to people, I became more selective.

Finishing the course work portion of my degree, I found that I needed to work full time. After 2 full semesters, my stipend proved to be not enough in light of the debt I was accumulating. Occasional problems with tenants at my house also provided further financial pressure. Therefore, I withdrew from my program before writing a thesis. And because I could not find work in my field in the immediate area, I moved again. However I did not move far and so often visited the Alano. Of course, I found program communities in my local area and made all kinds of instant friends and of course a great deal of gossip and manipulation. Sadly, I discovered that I could no longer recommend A.A. to anyone for whom I cared.

Over the next few years, I watched many negative patterns that I had previously witnessed, repeat in my home area and at the familiar Alano. One thing I saw was that a small group of people try to exert dominance at clubs. Though I noticed it locally, I was more familiar with the dynamic at the Alano and the familiar pattern that emerged. Once again a couple, this time of males, found some kind of hegemony on the board of directors. Through intimidation they attempted to limit membership and attendance at the club, even discontinuing dances. Eventually, they were discredited and little was later heard from them. Such was a familiar sequence of events, not only at that Alano, but one I noticed locally with a group of motorcycle riders. Recalling many other clubs in various states, I recognize similar patterns of behavior among the membership.

Other behaviors are very disturbing to me. Recently, after my 15th clean-time anniversary, I became aware of some long-term friends who were manipulating and using me. Actually I’m not sure if any of them maintain sobriety. Sometimes it is difficult to get a straight answer from program members. One man I am sure lies about it and he turned out to be the most manipulative as well. For example, in conversations with him at the club, he would say certain things loudly that he wanted people to hear while keeping a low tone about taking responsibility for his actions. Some of the things he “announced” were outright lies though would rescind them in a quiet tone. Many other aspects of his treatment of me, including insults, were completely unacceptable. Though I had been his “friend” for many years, he obviously did not value that.

I found some of my women “friends” betrayed my trust blatantly. One, who I had known for many years strictly as a friend, strung me along to keep from being alone. While she was attempting to reconcile her love relationship, she wanted my friendship. Though I expressed that I had romantic feelings for her, she did not want me in that way and I respected her wishes. However, any time I mentioned my desire, she would say that she had been friends with her love object for 10 years before they dated. Without any other explanation, I was apparently to infer that maybe if I hung around 10 years, we could date. However, she became jealous of the attention I gave to another woman one day. Then it was too much for her when I gave more attention to yet another woman, who I had recently met. She was incensed that she was not the center of attention. In retrospect, I know for a fact that she has a problem with not being the center of attention, as she told me.

Fortunately for her, she then reconciled with her love and wanted nothing more to do with me, and told me via email. Another woman recently played a very childish game by telling me to come to her house then not answering the door. Yet another attempted to use me as a verbal whipping boy, a behavior which I did not accept from her years before and immediately stopped when she tried it again.

The list could continue, ad nauseum. Suffice it to say that I finally stopped being the object of the abuse of steppers. Though I previously had told some that I could not accept certain behavior, I was ignored or simply not valued very highly. And even though I expressed my misgivings about the program to individuals and in meetings, little was offered to quell my doubts other than slogans. Fortunately, I now see the self-defeating nature of the program. A recent, popular slogan epitomizes the fallacy, “the further away from the last drink you are, the closer you are to your next one.” Little is more absurd. It states that being far removed from the habit of drinking means you are going to drink. Garbage. There are so many other absurdities perpetuated in A.A. that there is scarcely enough time in eternity to unmask them all, though they are transparent.

I made the decision to turn my back completely on the program and its people. At the time of this writing, it has been about two months since I’ve been to a club or a meeting. (Applause.) Because I have been free of alcohol and drugs for more than 15 years, I feel to need to grow and expand my capabilities, but I surely don’t want to drink or use. As a matter of course, I will make mistakes as I am human. But I will not need to divulge details destined to become gossip fodder to a group of strangers, much less manipulative friends. Perhaps there are those whose need the rigidity and closed-mindedness of the A.A. fellowship. Seemingly, I did at one time. Thankfully, I am beginning the next phase of recovery, unencumbered by antiquated cliches and attitudes.

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