Posts Tagged ‘drug addiction treatment’
ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE
| “Limits come from agreements we make with the world about what is possible. Change the agreement and then what is possible changes” |
Alcohol abuse is not a disease!
Contrary to what other programs may have led you to believe, you are more than a “client” to be treated or labeled with a disease of alcohol abuse. You have choices, motivation and free will. Your future depends, not on the theories and opinions of alcohol abuse counselors and alcohol abuse doctors, but on that inner desire you have to be more than you are now.
What I have done is researched exactly what has worked for those who rid themselves of an alcohol abuse forever. I listened! What I found was a common theme that all these people used to end alcohol abuse and live the lives they always dreamed. It amazed me how simple these themes (or steps) were, and how readily available they were to utilize in our lives and end alcohol abuse.
Get out of your head
Be selfless not selfish
Do something
Choose a goal
Establish meaning in your life
I explain these five-steps and how to use them in the ebook I created The Forgotten Five-Steps. Below you will find some excerpts on other topics and issues discussed. There are many theories about alcohol abuse. What I wanted to do is give actual and practical advice, steps and tools on exactly what can be done by those with an alcohol abuse and those who try to help resolve the alcohol abuse.
The EbookThe Forgotten Five-Steps
Alcohol Abuse alternative
These five simple and clear steps can guide you on the road to end alcohol abuse and live an alcohol abuse free and happy life.
The Forgotten-Five StepsAlcohol Abuse Recovery AlternativesDrug & Alcohol Abuse, Substance Abuse & Chemical Dependency RecoveryAlcohol abuse is a choice, not a disease!
www.recoverforever.com
www.addictionalternative.net
I also talk of many other issues surrounding alcohol abuse, what one can do to overcome alcohol abuse, and how those around him can help. Here are a few excerpts from the ebook about different alcohol abuse topics.
Codependency
“You are not sick, and caring is not a disease. Everyone struggles with difficult times in their lives and often these difficult times are caused by the behavior of someone close to you. No matter what you may have been told, the addict does not continue using alcohol or drugs because of something you said or did. You are not codependent and you cannot enable him/her to continue drinking or using drugs.”
Denial
“Those who abuse alcohol or drugs know exactly what they are doing, and I must say are damn good at it. They can deceive and manipulate about anyone to get their next fix.
The point here is that there is no denial, only what the addict is choosing to value. It’s difficult, but we have to put it in perspective to see the individual where they are at and where they want to be….it is what the addict is choosing to place importance on.”
Why can’t they quit?
“Until he realizes that addiction is a choice, he cannot regain control and ownership of his life.”
Self-esteem issues
“He must come to realize that his individual worth is not because he is “sober” but because he is alive.”
Relapse
“If he does “relapse” it is not because he has a disease, but because he chose to deal with his fear by avoidance.”
He wants to quit, but can’t seem to make it work
“So why can’t people quit drugs or alcohol when everything they say indicates they want to? Simply, they feel they cannot live life without it. They have made the wrong choices for so long and depended on their addictions as a crutch. To stop drinking or using drugs would strip them of the only constant they know:
The ability to control their fear and helplessness in a way they perceive as most effective for their particular situation.”
The Forgotten-Five StepsAlcohol Addiction Recovery AlternativesDrug & Alcohol Abuse, Substance Abuse & Chemical Dependency RecoveryAlcohol addiction is a choice, not a disease!
www.recoverforever.com
www.addictionalternative.net
Alcohol Addiction Alternative, Drug Addiction Recovery, Alcohol Addiction Counseling, Drug Addiction Counseling, Newark Ohio Addiction Help, Licking County Ohio Alcohol & Drug Addiction Help, Alcohol Recovery, Drug abuse Recovery Help
Individual drug and alcohol counseling for the Ohio Counties: Licking County Ohio – Knox County Ohio- Fairfield County – Perry County Ohio- Muskingum County – Coshocton County
Ebook -Drug Addiction Treatment Alternative
The following is a brief explaination of what I have found is common in all those who have been successful in changing their lives from drugs and alcohol addiction. They are simple, but powerful. Drug addiction treatment can work for some. But for those who make it, they have found a passion and way of life that goes beyond the doors of drug addiction treatment institutes. The following steps are expanded on in the e-book “The Forgotten Five-Steps”.
The Forgotten Five-StepsDrug Addiction Treatment Alternative
1) Get out of your head!
– You have decided to quit using alcohol or drugs after much mental debate. A day or two goes by and you start to feel better physically. You are very proud of yourself. Something happens at work that is stressful and what happens. Your head starts looking for a way to cope with the stress. The alcohol or drug debate begins again. You start rationalizing and justifying how it may not be so bad for one more drink or hit. STOP right there! You are and will achieve what you think! Get out of your head and focus on something else. It’s your negative thinking that got you into the drug and alcohol mess to begin with. But how do you do this?
2) Be selfless not selfish!
– A major reason to want to use alcohol or drugs is selfishness. The poor me syndrome. The whole world starts to revolve around you and no one has as bad as problems as you do. Well none of these problems will be remedied by using alcohol or drugs. You wont pay your bills or patch up the situation with your spouse or at work by using. You wont even find that moment of happiness you are so desperately seeking by using alcohol and drugs. Instead of going up into your head and feeling miserable about yourself or situation, help someone! Get out of your head and into someone else’s world. Kindness to others is the key here, for it does not allow you to have a pity party in your head. The greatest cure and joy in the world to combat misery and selfishness is to help someone else. Talk to someone who seems down. Volunteer at a hospital or detox center. Do anything to get out of your head and not think about yourself. It works!
3) Do something!
– Nothing will change if you sit on the couch feeling sorry for yourself. You need motion and action. All the planning and goals mean little if you don’t put some action behind them. Do something! Get a hobby, volunteer your time, go running, read a book. Whatever will help put you in motion. The concept of fear is important here for most who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction have let fear immobilize them. Remember this: fear lessons and becomes irrelevant when we are actively working toward a goal. Do something toward a goal you have.
4) Choose a goal!
– A goal is something you want to achieve that does not hurt yourself or others. It’s what you want to focus your life towards. Those who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction often lose sight of what their goals are. Find one! What do you enjoy doing? Even if it is a small goal, find one. Finding a goal and working towards it eliminates the power of alcohol or drugs in your life. Your life becomes about who you want to be not who you were.
5) Establish meaning in your life!
– If you are spiritual or religious, PRAY. Re-connect with life and that quiet but persistent voice inside you. Your emotions will tell you when your focus is wrong. Emotions are the nerves to the soul. Listen to them, and if you are having negative emotions look at where your focus is right now. Readjust it! When you were drinking or using drugs your focus was only on yourself. You weren’t happy. You can be! Who do you want to be, what do you want to value, and who do you want to care about? Focus is individual for everyone, but you know it is there. You feel it. You are not ignorant, weak, or stupid. You have just never pushed through your fear of life by getting out of your head, thinking of others first, and putting action behind your goals. You do these simple things and you have just obtained your new focus!
Drug Addiction Treatment Alternative
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Alcohol Addiction Alternative, Drug Addiction Recovery, Alcohol Addiction Counseling, Drug Addiction Counseling, Newark Ohio Addiction Help, Licking County Ohio Alcohol & Drug Addiction Help, Alcohol Recovery, Drug abuse Recovery Help, AA alternative
Individual drug and alcohol counseling for the Ohio Counties: Licking County Ohio – Knox County Ohio- Fairfield County – Perry County Ohio- Muskingum County – Coshocton County
Newark Ohio Alcohol & Drug Counseling
The following are personal alcohol and drug addiction recovery experiences from people I have had the honor of encountering through my web site. I receive many emails, and through them I continue to gain insight and inspiration into the strength people have to escape from their previous use of alcohol and drugs. There is pain in these stories and much struggle, but what I believe sets these people apart is their desire to use this pain as a springboard for change. I have kept the stories as they were written, but for confidentiality purposes have kept their identity out. To me these stories are essential in the fact that they show that “recovery” is not a “one-size-fit-all” process. Listen to them, and if you feel like sharing yours, simply email me and I will consider posting it.
A Chance To Live Again By B.J.
The Forgotten Five-Steps
Toledo, Ohio Alcoholism Treatment Alternative
www.addictionalternative.net
I have enjoyed reading your website on the myths of this dysfunctional way to deal with mental and emotional pain(at least in my case)-Someone hit the nail on the head, when they wrote that to intimidate a person into thinking that he or she has no power over addictions, just release the problem to a spiritual power, whatever they choose, is just a way to release an already beaten up soul into submission. As a regular AA attendee, I have seen this apparently work for many people, mostly men. But for others, like me, who have a fairly intelligent brain in their head, sane loving family support ( no matter what I have done), a past successful career and family life, this proclamation that I will never be in control of my again; was too overwhelming and painful.
I have spent 10 long years of hell with depression from childhood emotional traumas, a “wrong” marriage that I held together only to have my 39 year old husband die suddenly in his sleep for no apparent reason, and the ensuing downward spiral that I aggravated with alcohol abuse.
In 1995 I got my first DUI and was thrust into the legal world of jail, AA, no license, danger to my nursing license, etc. I knew nothing of any of this and was told AA and submission to total abstinance, and the fact that I am a weak person who cannot control her life without 12 steps, was my future. Recovery was forever and my life as I knew it, was now in the hands of some spiritual thing. As a Christian, this was very hard for me, and all the other ramifications were so foreign to me ( I never even had a speeding ticket!). It has taken me depleting my savings, shame, guilt, 2 more DUI’s, 2 inpatient treatments, 1 outpatient and continuing Psychotherapy, to finally believe that I have a healthy mind that can stop this madness, with much work, prayer to my God, and most of all educating myself with information that you and others are finally providing as an alternative treatment.
Truly the one thing that finally got me was no more insurance reimbursement for treatment. I knew in my heart I didn’t need anymore (how long does it take to learn the same 12 step programs anyway?!) I knew I could not accept the AA philosophy totally, though I do enjoy about 4 meetings/wk at very small hometown groups with long sobriety. I enjoy the faith, hope and strength that they offer as an encouragement that I am not alone. I have accepted that their 12 steps are just the fundamentals of the moral, Christian life that I have always led. I don’t have to remind myself of them most days, they come naturally. I realize many there, didn’t have much moral upbringing, and led horrible street lives, etc. I can appreciate the strength the simple principles of AA can offer them. If taking away the personal responsibility for their many times, horrid past, is a way for them to recover and stay clean, then I guess so be it.
I feel truly blessed that I have been able to put this problem into perspective. What it was for me was a binge drinking pattern of numbing horrible pain, that I just couldn’t handle. For the past year I have worked hard to release the memories of at least 10 years of sexual abuse, emotional neglect by parents who did nothing about this, even though they knew, and an ensuing sad marriage of almost 20 years. But I see light now, I am 90+ days sober and there is such freedom. I have great sadness over legal problems from the 2 DUI’s of last year and seem powerless to do anything but submit to the court’s habit of treating all addictions with criminal punishment. I want so badly to keep going forward and feel so healthy and strong, it is very frustrating to know I will go on for years, to pay for what I allowed alcohol and depression to do to me.
Thanks so much for being strong and public with your innovative treatment options. I know they will not be silenced and destroyed by AA, any longer. But the transition will be hard and long, as I know you are probably daily reminded. Thanks for the ear, (eye-ha, ha)-BJ ………
BJ was asked to write her views and experience on relapse and this is what she wrote ………….
Hey Tim-sorry it has taken me so long to write back with my thoughts on relapse-here goes-Do I think that relapse is almost inevitable, as seems to be readily accepted in the treatment community? NO!
But I can surely testify that one can set themselves up for one and I am one of those unfortunates. My last relapse ended with another DUI that has cost me dearly and will continue to do so. How did I fail? Actually, the system failed me as much as I allowed it to and I did real well with the rest!
In reading over your alternate treatment theories, I readily agree, that we as alcohol/drug abusers are no different than anyone else. We just chose a more physically visible addiction. Our alcohol abuse is treated as a crime, a weakness of character, even immorality. To be sure, chemical addictions are much more dangerous to innocent people; you and I both know we are the ones who are damaged far beyond what others see. I think of AA meetings, where I hear another suffering person believing that he alone has the defect of fear, of selfishness etc. You state it very well when you say that everyone has these emotions, it is just that not everyone deals with them the same way. Our way gets alot of attention!
I think it is a travesty to shame someone into sobriety, leading them to believe that they have a simple disease, that will be arrested; if they just don’t pick up. It is an insult to our intelligence and for me it was a major roadblock, to be told that I could no longer control my life. Knowing that I was once a very successful wife, mother and nurse; and then being told that I had developed some disease and could no longer be responsible for myself unless I adhered to 12 steps (steps that are just another way of leading a good, moral and for me Christian life) and stayed sober. It was all too much for me to bear and I caved-many, many times. Each relapse was worse and the final one came down to me almost being placed in a psyc. ward. That was enough for me.
It is very clear for me to see, now, that we can sense a relapse in the making, long before it comes. But if we are told it will probably happen, it is normal, just get up the next day and start over; we are overcome with this fear, it breaks us down with depression, hopelessness and despair. If we plunge into good psycho-therapy or whatever mental treatment we chose, and tackle it honestly with a good therapist, there is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, this tunnel was long and painful and it took me almost a year to break through the memories, fear, and shame of sexual abuse. I can easily see now that drinking numbed thoughts that I just could not deal with, any longer.
Is it hard? You bet it is. But with the strong faith that I have conquered my demons, sometimes on a daily basis, I feel very confident that my next 40 years will be so much better than the last, and consequently I have no desire to destroy my mental or physical life with a chemical. I can now live the way I was meant to live; without much fear or with the strength to fight the fear and win. It is so freeing to know that I am as strong as I thought I was, that others are finding out that we don’t have some damn disease that we can use as a scapegoat for bad behavior. We are intelligent, loving caring people with no more “defects” than the guy next door.(maybe even less!)
Granted, each person is different and many roads are much tougher than others. But I truly believe that we were created to be good people. We are a race that is is besieged with horrible dysfuntions that lead us to so many depths of evil. Much of this is beyond our control. We can chose how to deal with life and it’s hurdles, we can try to numb problems away; or we can summon our strength, take advantage of all the healthy alternatives there are out there, and go forward. That is where the despair landed me. I am so grateful for people like you, Tim, who aren’t afraid to expose the pitfalls of addiction treatment as it is readily accepted. It has not worked for everyone. As one of those stubborn people who refused to accept complacency, I am blessed. The road is not nearly at it’s end, but I have found a crossroads now. I can chose for myself, which way to go. I am heading straight for the prize of mental health, stability, and moral living! I chose never again, to allow alcohol to rule my life and lead me to pain and sorrow. Life is becoming GOOD!
Online Help & Ebook
The Forgotten Five-Steps
Toledo, Ohio Alcoholism Treatment Alternative
addictionalternative.net
ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE
AA Alternative–Non 12 Step Recovery–Alcoholics Anonymous Alternative–Quit Drinking without AA–Stop Drinking–Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous
| “Addiction is our ability to control fear in a way we perceive as most effective for a particular situation. To control this fear is the motivation and alcohol and drugs serve this purpose well.” |
“The Forgotten Five Steps”
Workbook/Audio Program!
Download Now!
An empowering & practical approach to addiction.
AA Alternative, Non 12 Step, Alternatives to AA
There are vast amounts of information out there on the subject of alcohol and drug addiction, and my goal is to keep it real. I’ve seen what can work and I know the potential each human has and can choose to use, if the desire is there and the right information and motivation is available.
I must emphasize that I believe in the value of each person, and like myself, each must come to terms with who they are, what they desire, and their own way of finding it. My purpose here is not to convince anyone of how right one way is or better than another, but to share what I have learned in the process and hope that it will encourage others to do the same.
I have often heard the question, “Why do I drink or drug?” Or, “Why can’t I stop using alcohol or drugs?” These questions, I believe, miss the mark. The more important question is the “what” question. “What do alcohol and drugs give me?” “What has life presented to me that I believe cannot be handled without my loyal six-pack or pipe?” “What would happen to me if I could not depend on using alcohol or drugs?”
The answer is simple and nothing new. Those who drink or drug will do anything to avoid fear. “What” they get is a temporary fix or way out. It is human nature to choose what we perceive will give us the most happiness at any given moment. Fear hinders this process.
Fear is often secondary to the disease concept in most recovery programs. I believe this gives people a “false hope” that if they obtain a mastery over this insidious disease they will obtain a life of happiness. However, they find out this is not the case when they are presented with a negative life experience and end up using alcohol or drugs again.
Why? Because they believe (perceive) the situation will be unmanageable if they do not run and hide in a bottle or pipe. The avoidance of fear is greater than resolving the conflict in a positive manner.
Addiction is our ability to control fear in a way we perceive as most effective for a particular situation. To control this fear is the motivation and alcohol and drugs serve this purpose well.
In the end, the person struggling with an addiction must come to realize that his/her individual worth is not because he/she is “sober” or “addicted” but because he/she is alive.
The addict will continue to use until he/she is convinced that they can successfully live life without the use of alcohol or drugs.
There Is A Way & You Have A Choice!
I must expand here for I do not believe the alcohol or drug user is inept or deficient in any way. They are not any different than the non-addicted person. Sure they may have a mess to clean up with family and friends, but their desire to avoid fear and obtain happiness is the same as anyone’s. Some overeat, some exercise too much, some close themselves off and become bitter, some work too much, some drink or use drugs, etc. The bottom line is balancing how we cope with our fear in life and still be able to function in a healthy way.
But how do we decide this balance? How do we determine what is healthy or unhealthy for each of us individually?
The question I often ask myself is “What statement do I want to give to the world?” This is individual and powerful for each individual. It cannot be taught to them or forced upon them with consequences and threats. Consequences and threats can be a motivation to change only if the person realizes their current choice of behavior does not match their inner desire and focus of who they want to be and choose for their life.
So the answer lies in our ability to realize who we are and who we want to be. But how?
I get this question a lot. So I decided to create a guide that will help you. In the ebook “The Forgotten Five-Steps” I explain a simple program that will allow you to do this. I also will give you online help and coaching. I believe it is important to invest in your life and obtain accountability. $35 is a small price compared to the thousands of dollars traditional rehabs and programs charge. The money is secondary to me, I’m looking for a commitment. Instead of going out and smoking or drinking this money, decide right now to invest in something that will give you the ability to define your life as you want it to be. I will send it to you free if you are short on money, but for most I would encourage you to purchase it.
You have probably been through the programs and know all the info. Forget all that and decide now that you want more, that you want hope.
“The Forgotten Five Steps”
Workbook/Audio Program!
An empowering & practical approach to addiction.
AA Alternative, Non 12 Step, Alternatives to AA
Contact me with any questions!
www.recoverforever.com
www.addictionalternative.net
www.newarkohiocounseling.com
AA Alternative, Non 12 Step Alternatives to AA
Newark Ohio Alcohol & Drug Counseling
AA Alternative–Non 12 Step Recovery–Alcoholics Anonymous Alternative–Quit Drinking without AA–Stop Drinking–Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous
Individual drug and alcohol counseling for the Ohio Counties: Licking County Ohio – Knox County Ohio- Fairfield County – Perry County Ohio- Muskingum County – Coshocton County
THERE WAS A TIME BY T. R.
ALCOHOLISM & DRUG ADDICTION TREATMENT ALTERNATIVE
| “One man’s experience with AA and his journey to a better understanding of himself and a life of freedom.” Written by T. R. |
There was a time when I needed to quit drinking and using drugs and was “referred” to A.A. by way of the Uniform Code of Military Justice in 1982. The military sent me to their treatment facility which emphasized the program. At the time, I had many questions about the steps and how they could be applied. Though I went to meetings, tried to work the program and honestly wanted to stay clean, I got drunk, made trouble and was therefore discharged. After the honorable discharge and my first divorce, I went to few meetings though found it difficult to maintain sobriety. Honestly, I wanted to stay sober and knew that I had was unable to continue drinking and using in any socially responsible manner. However, I found greater difficulty in working the steps and making any kind of personal connection in A.A. Through drinking behavior, I again made serious trouble for myself and was again forcibly referred to the program, this time by civilian authorities. In need of some structure to keep me from drinking, I gladly accepted being remanded to A.A.-based recovery.
I had learned enough by that time to play the game and went to the meetings, many times “under the influence.” Because I was affected badly by the drugs which I had substituted for alcohol, another divorce ensued. Afterwards, I got more involved with A.A. and also found N.A. Even though A.A. slogans seemed to fly in the face of common sense, I did my best to accept them and the admonitions of my sponsors, mindlessly. Nevertheless, the time between my debauches never exceeded a few months. Though I continued with meetings and working the program, I thought I was in their category of “such unfortunates,” and was “constitutionally incapable.” Desperate helplessness, often reinforced in meetings, kept me coming back for daily emotional flagellation. Gradually, I learned to accept the shame and how to blame myself with impunity. But I learned how to gossip and thereby be included in social circles. Then I found something else even more attractive, the fact that program members often have sex with each other.
It was a fantastic time to be promiscuous, in a fairly large city in the mid-1980’s. Almost all of the women I had sex with were people I met at A.A. meetings. Most of them only wanted sex and it was sometimes a virtually anonymous act. Of course, if any one would get hurt in the relationship, I would quickly blame myself and accept the shame like a good 12-stepper. Curiously, I found that when anyone in A.A. referred to a “relationship,” they are referring to a sexual relationship. (That reference continues to this day.) Also, I found that such a bond is the main goal among most members of the fellowship. By the early 1990’s, that goal was focused on singular relationships. By way of gossiping, sex partners find each other while A.A. members tend to be arbiters of each others’ relationships. Perhaps due to considerations of disease, I recently noticed many A.A. members’ great concern for establishing primary “relationships.”
In the past, I fell into the ranks and pursued the ideal of a long-term relationship with a program member. Personally, I was never able to maintain such a “program” relationship beyond a few years. Over the decades, I have noted that many members marry each other, though usually divorce. Appropriately, in the words of an old-timer I heard in 1987, “Alcoholics shouldn’t be allowed to be in relationships.” Perhaps he was correct.
My continuous sobriety began in 1988 with a relationship that started at a meeting. A very attractive woman, 10 years to my junior, insisted that I remain sober in order for us to be together. Once I had mustered a few months without drinking or using, she contacted me. Though she had been sober for more than a year, I wasn’t about to bring up the “13th Step.” As it turned out, I was very gratifying to her emotionally and enhanced that by writing a great deal of poetry to her. So by the time I was sober for six months, she deemed that long enough to be beyond the threshold of “raping a newcomer.”
The emotional gratification translated very easily into gratifying sex, although the word gratuitous is more applicable. Sparing the details, we quickly became very enmeshed. Because we were acutely aware of codependency, a very hot topic at the time, we read all the right books – together. We felt that our relationship met all the standards that we learned from the program(s) and our respective counselors. Certainly it seemed very right and while occasionally I felt manipulated, I was very willing to give up power to her. After all, giving up control was something that I was becoming very practiced at, due to working the steps. Though she was much younger than I, she gave me direction in her interpretation of the 12 steps. At the time, I was in my senior year of college in Milwaukee and everything seemed perfect for us. We remained sober, though were substituting obsessive sex for alcohol and drugs. By the time I finished school, it was a foregone conclusion that we would move in together, which we basically had already been doing.
We set up house in a different city where I began my professional career and things went well for a while. Unfortunately, I then found that she had a very abusive streak, something learned from her being abused as a child. Essentially, I put up with it because she was highly attractive and sexually compulsive, which I wanted without question and she piqued my sexual compulsivity. Eventually, there were 2 times that I snapped and struck back when she became violent with me. The last time, she was wielding a butcher knife. However, being fully programmed at that point and a regular at meetings, I felt unabashed shame and blamed myself completely when she moved out. It was not long thereafter, though, that her and I were sleeping together again most nights of the week. But I was devastated when she announced to me that she had another boyfriend, who had come to live with her. At that point, A.A. became integrally incorporated in all I did, though could not soothe my intense bitterness.
I took to the road early in 1991 for several months, first south then west, staying with relatives and working various jobs. Although I had maintained A.A. contacts previously, meetings and sponsors figured even more prominently in my activities wherever I went. Even though the social activities sponsored by way of the program(s) were often awkward, I attended them with all the enthusiasm I could summon. Finally, the destination in those months of travel was Colorado, where I found another community of “drunks,” as I had all along the way. By summertime, however, I grew homesick and went back to Wisconsin. There, I found the same communities of A.A. where I became sober. By that time, I had been clean and sober for 3 years and found that I had a certain credibility. Note that “respect” is not the word used here; respect is not consistent with A.A. principles, as applied to members of the fellowship.
I found a good position in a field that was in demand and made many A.A. friends, some of whom I had known previously. Besides, acquaintances quickly become friends in the program. So great was my attraction to the fellowship that I rented an apartment a few blocks from an Alano Club. Clubs “associated” with A.A. were places I enjoyed and there was a bonus, I sometimes found sexual relationships there. They were the centers of the 12-step communities I found around the country and this particular Alano felt like home, as I had frequented it while in college. Oftentimes dances were held at various clubs, in addition to other social events for alcoholics. Though many of the people there were quite demented, A.A. slogans seemed to go a long way to soothe out personal conflicts. Some form of balance was also maintained through gossiping which was the basis of social hierarchy. And of course, properly blaming oneself also kept conflicts from developing. Even though I found that a large proportion of the membership were clinically diagnosed with severe mental and emotional disorders, I conceded to the chaotic social order. Perhaps I felt somewhat superior on one hand, while working the program ensured that I maintained an inferiority based on “powerlessness.”
It was primarily a happy phase of my life with an occasional circle of friends, though I recall instances of deep inner conflict that I could not explain. And though I was generally open to forming relationships, especially sexual ones, I found that there were times that I directly avoided becoming involved with specific women. Even though they were attractive, it seemed to be an automatic, unconscious reflex to avoid becoming close to them. Over the years, those memories have troubled me, as I can not explain why I did not want them. In fact, I’ve felt regret because they were people to whom I was attracted on many levels. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I rejected them because they wanted me, someone who was a plain, faceless A.A. with so many “character defects” that I was unworthy. There must have been something wrong with them if they wanted me! Perhaps it was as such, an inferiority/superiority complex essentially kept me caged, locked away from fulfilling the desires of my heart.
Following opportunities in my career, I began a gradual trek south, though I visited that Alano infrequently. Because I was alone, the moves were difficult emotionally, but I found A.A. communities wherever I went, I always had instant friends, social events and occasional sexual partners. Unfortunately, my sexual drive was the source of great heartache for others and myself. Though I never had a problem being simply friends with women, I found my desires increasing while my sex partners were decreasing. Somehow, my thought processes became very skewed. Virtually as a matter of course, I started going to sex addict meetings of various fellowships. Because I had been to meetings of assorted types including narcotics anon., relationships anon., even al-anon, I accepted their application of the 12 steps wholeheartedly. Eventually though, I saw that I could achieve the results needed for the “S” programs by applying the A.A. message to the sexual aspects of my life. So I began attending A.A. meetings exclusively again.
It is worthwhile to note the motives of a sponsor I had around that time. While he would listen to my problems for a bit, then tell me to go to a meeting, he would primarily focus on his business. He was involved in multi-level marketing and wanted me as part of his down-line. It was at that time I finally started to question the actual motivations of program members, including my own. Also, I began to feel dissatisfied with meetings and vocalized my concern over the ineffectiveness of A.A., given the statistics of the General Service Office and my own experience. As could be expected, my comments were downplayed by the same people who complained that there “was no sobriety” at the club and that it had a “revolving door.” Even though I knew I had a valid point, I felt that I must somehow be wrong. Then, I began to focus on recovering various aspects of my personality and basic humanity. Much to my disappointment, there was little feedback nor any suggestions in that regard. The only advice was to maintain mindless acceptance of the “principles,” slogans and other cliches.
I began to be disturbed by many members’ affirmations of how the program gave them so much of all they wanted. Apparently, the satisfaction they were getting was beyond words because they were never very specific. Only general, glowing terms were lavished in gratitude. My annoyance was due to the fact that I did not experience their joy. Of course, that was implicitly my own fault, being that I was as defective as the steps and the big book imply. So in order to fit in, I would echo the gratuitousness, mindless of the fact that by simply not drinking, I would take the ordinary measures to improve my life. Of course, I also took all the the “suggestions” including sponsorship and selflessness, which were useless except to provide frustration.
My desire and involvement in sexual relationships had lessened, due to work with a counselor and applying it. Occasionally, I became involved sexually with women but found much satisfaction in many other things. Because I bought a house, there were many things to occupy my time and I joined a church. Around the time I was sober 7 years, I found fulfillment in gardening, which still persists. Interestingly, I found my garden more satisfying than meetings. But I couldn’t shirk from my A.A. obligations; I was far too indoctrinated into the ritual and felt uncomfortable without it. Also, the people would probably think I was drinking and talk about me or worse, forget about me. Besides, I would miss out on all those potential relationship contacts.
Some of those kind of contacts definitely should be missed. Once again, I became involved with a woman who found that I was easily manipulated. Apparently, she was very good at manipulation and received not only child support from 3 different men, but also public aid and a variety of psychotropic prescriptions. Of course, she was involved with A.A. and N.A. and had been for many years. However, I eventually took on the bad guy role in that relationship though I did nothing to hurt her in any way and assisted her both financially and emotionally. For some reason, my program-induced guilt compelled me to buy her a car. As it turned out, I was only one of the guys that she was sleeping with and manipulating, which she later admitted to me as a twisted “amends.” So in the sordid way of the program, we gradually became friends again. Because I blamed myself for the failure of that previous, warped relationship, I afterwards chose to forego relationships with other women due to feelings of inadequacy. It seems that there were few boundaries to the self shaming and blaming, induced from the steps.
Celebrating my 10th sobriety anniversary offered no congratulations or fanfare. That evening my sponsor told me during a meeting, that I could “now could read the stories” in the big book, to everyone’s delight. Actually, it was embarrassing to be belittled in that way before dozens of people. Unfortunately, I had learned to accept such irrelevant admonishments by laughing myself. Accepting my insignificance, laughing at myself and my needs became second nature to me. I also accepted the very odd social/sexual structure associated with the program and found that many women would only come around when they needed to find contacts for sex.
It was a time of feeling much alienation, while I invested efforts heavily in “working the program” and communicating with A.A. members. Even my visits to the familiar Alano in Wisconsin were disappointing. At that club, I found that a couple had actually taken over the board of directors and were limiting membership as well as attendance. Few of my former associates came around and there was little reason to be there. Only the couple, who were married alcoholics that met at the club, seemed to be welcome there. Apparently, no dances or other activities went on during that time. Later, I found out that the couple were effectively removed from the board and I never saw them again. However, as gossip had it, they eventually divorced.
Contacts for contracting in my business grew meager in Illinois during 1999 and I was drawn to opportunities in Wisconsin. There, I found that a few of the people in the program community remained sober. But they were enough for a social base and many of the “slippers” would also return. Everyone was relieved that the couple who had essentially took over the club were gone and we all talked about each other with impunity. As usual, the gossip was manipulative and self-serving, one could never know if it was true.
Before long, it seemed that the good old days had returned with dances and many informal activities. Because I no longer had any illusions about the program, my social life improved as compared with previous years. But I did realize that I had grown and felt good about my many years of individually listening to people, helping with their problems. Such transient relationships seemed ok, especially that I could help. Also, I developed a relationship with a very attractive woman who honestly wanted only sex from me, as she said. I even found myself back at my old school not only studying, but also working as a teaching assistant.
Finding opportunities working with the university doing research, I had professional contacts who helped me enter a master’s program at my alma mater. Then I found a former acquaintance in A.A. who had a house near the campus and wanted a roommate. Though I realized that he was prescribed medication for mental problems, that was not uncommon in A.A. and I myself had a prescription for antidepressants. It was little cause for concern, I was very accustomed to people with similar difficulties in various fellowships. His offer was generous and dovetailed very well with my situation. Because I needed to maintain my house payments in Illinois, I moved my furnishings to Milwaukee and rented out my house. Essentially, it was a precarious balance of finances, but I had often wanted to pursue an advanced degree. Besides the academic opportunity, there was a cosmopolitan social atmosphere that I had been craving for years. However, the extent of my roommate’s mental and emotional problems soon became clear to me.
The man was tortured with hallucinations and paranoia. Though I could usually talk to him and even make him laugh, he became suspicious of me. For example, he became convinced that I had been sent by his doctors to provide surveillance and to be sure that he took proper medication. The latter point was apparently a matter of contention for him, his antipsychotic medications affected him in such a way that he didn’t want to take them. While at home, he liked to pace back and forth while chain smoking, occasionally asking me what I had said (in his hallucinations). Previously, he had sold all his furniture as a result of a crack binge and I wondered if my furnishings were safe. Because of his behavior, including occasional alcohol abuse, I also grew paranoid. However, I sometimes helped him through his delusions simply by listening to him. Despite my reassurances, on New Year’s Eve 1999, I drove him to a psychiatric hospital where he checked himself in due to the widespread Y2K paranoia. At the time, I realized the great pain that certain fear mongers were inflicting on people by way of an obvious urban myth. Of course, a few days later, I picked him up from the hospital and he seemed in good spirits.
The last time I talked to him was on the morning of my 40th birthday. He wished me a happy birthday and told me that he would be 40 himself later that year. Because he often spent time with his girlfriend, I didn’t think it unusual that he was not home that night. Then at around 2am, I answered the door to find police officers asking to come inside. Once it was determined that I was not the owner of the house, I was asked to sit down. They informed me that my roommate had swerved directly into the path of an oncoming semi and was immediately crushed. Needless to say, shock permeated me. Actually, he did not own a car to my knowledge and I related that to the officers. Although the driver’s license found at the scene was his, they could not be sure that the body was his. Subsequent days provided information that indeed it was him. He had bought a car that day and suicide was implicated but never proven.
I was deeply affected, though due to my schedule at school, never took much time to think or feel about it all. The situation gave me additional perspective on people in the program, because I noted their reactions to his death, usually an emotionally flat callousness. Perhaps even to this day, my perceptions are somewhat affected by my association with that poor fellow. For one thing, I began to realize that A.A. was a cult. Also, I acutely perceived the personal manipulations that were ongoing in the program, and so started to learn to be more protective of myself. And I noticed that there were supposed old-timers who I knew were lying about the duration of their sobriety, because I knew them over the years. By then, I had been clean and sober for 12 years and was still open to sharing, according to the program mandate though I began to avoid slogans. While I liked to be a good friend to people, I became more selective.
Finishing the course work portion of my degree, I found that I needed to work full time. After 2 full semesters, my stipend proved to be not enough in light of the debt I was accumulating. Occasional problems with tenants at my house also provided further financial pressure. Therefore, I withdrew from my program before writing a thesis. And because I could not find work in my field in the immediate area, I moved again. However I did not move far and so often visited the Alano. Of course, I found program communities in my local area and made all kinds of instant friends and of course a great deal of gossip and manipulation. Sadly, I discovered that I could no longer recommend A.A. to anyone for whom I cared.
Over the next few years, I watched many negative patterns that I had previously witnessed, repeat in my home area and at the familiar Alano. One thing I saw was that a small group of people try to exert dominance at clubs. Though I noticed it locally, I was more familiar with the dynamic at the Alano and the familiar pattern that emerged. Once again a couple, this time of males, found some kind of hegemony on the board of directors. Through intimidation they attempted to limit membership and attendance at the club, even discontinuing dances. Eventually, they were discredited and little was later heard from them. Such was a familiar sequence of events, not only at that Alano, but one I noticed locally with a group of motorcycle riders. Recalling many other clubs in various states, I recognize similar patterns of behavior among the membership.
Other behaviors are very disturbing to me. Recently, after my 15th clean-time anniversary, I became aware of some long-term friends who were manipulating and using me. Actually I’m not sure if any of them maintain sobriety. Sometimes it is difficult to get a straight answer from program members. One man I am sure lies about it and he turned out to be the most manipulative as well. For example, in conversations with him at the club, he would say certain things loudly that he wanted people to hear while keeping a low tone about taking responsibility for his actions. Some of the things he “announced” were outright lies though would rescind them in a quiet tone. Many other aspects of his treatment of me, including insults, were completely unacceptable. Though I had been his “friend” for many years, he obviously did not value that.
I found some of my women “friends” betrayed my trust blatantly. One, who I had known for many years strictly as a friend, strung me along to keep from being alone. While she was attempting to reconcile her love relationship, she wanted my friendship. Though I expressed that I had romantic feelings for her, she did not want me in that way and I respected her wishes. However, any time I mentioned my desire, she would say that she had been friends with her love object for 10 years before they dated. Without any other explanation, I was apparently to infer that maybe if I hung around 10 years, we could date. However, she became jealous of the attention I gave to another woman one day. Then it was too much for her when I gave more attention to yet another woman, who I had recently met. She was incensed that she was not the center of attention. In retrospect, I know for a fact that she has a problem with not being the center of attention, as she told me.
Fortunately for her, she then reconciled with her love and wanted nothing more to do with me, and told me via email. Another woman recently played a very childish game by telling me to come to her house then not answering the door. Yet another attempted to use me as a verbal whipping boy, a behavior which I did not accept from her years before and immediately stopped when she tried it again.
The list could continue, ad nauseum. Suffice it to say that I finally stopped being the object of the abuse of steppers. Though I previously had told some that I could not accept certain behavior, I was ignored or simply not valued very highly. And even though I expressed my misgivings about the program to individuals and in meetings, little was offered to quell my doubts other than slogans. Fortunately, I now see the self-defeating nature of the program. A recent, popular slogan epitomizes the fallacy, “the further away from the last drink you are, the closer you are to your next one.” Little is more absurd. It states that being far removed from the habit of drinking means you are going to drink. Garbage. There are so many other absurdities perpetuated in A.A. that there is scarcely enough time in eternity to unmask them all, though they are transparent.
I made the decision to turn my back completely on the program and its people. At the time of this writing, it has been about two months since I’ve been to a club or a meeting. (Applause.) Because I have been free of alcohol and drugs for more than 15 years, I feel to need to grow and expand my capabilities, but I surely don’t want to drink or use. As a matter of course, I will make mistakes as I am human. But I will not need to divulge details destined to become gossip fodder to a group of strangers, much less manipulative friends. Perhaps there are those whose need the rigidity and closed-mindedness of the A.A. fellowship. Seemingly, I did at one time. Thankfully, I am beginning the next phase of recovery, unencumbered by antiquated cliches and attitudes.